i'm so sorry.

I've been very absent from blogging. And honestly, I just haven't been in the mood.

AND

Too much is on my mind and I have been trying to relax and spend as much time as possible with Justin and my teething baby.

I'll be back soon, ladies.

10 Day Challenge: Day 6

Day 6: Four Books

1. Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer {I'm a Twilight Saga fan}

2. What To Expect The First Year {lifesaver}

3. Burned by Ellen Hopkins {or ANY of her books, by far FAV author}

4. Love You Forever {my favorite book to read to Laila}

warm weather = lovely walks

Gorgeous weather means lovely walks. This was a couple days ago, though. The last couple days have been rain, hail, slush and SNOW!

Warm, walking, sun shining weather...please come back!

  

One Year Ago

One year ago, Justin and I found out we were expecting.

I remember being in the work bathroom, washing my hands while waiting for the test to give an answer. I was nervous, I had this overpowering feeling of being overwhelmed. I was dizzy, nauseated, shaky. A complete mess. While washing my hands, I would look over ever few seconds to see the little hour glass turn upside down and then upside down again...waiting and waiting and..waiting. I continued to wash my hands {I found the warmth to relax me} and took another look and there it was "Pregnant" I turned away, maybe I thought I saw Pregnant when really it was Not Pregnant. Turned back to take another look, picked it up and held it and sure enough...it definitely said Pregnant.

I was beyond scared. I honestly had no idea how to tell Justin. I just wanted to sob.

When I got home I called up the Blood Center to cancel my appointment. Turns out you can't donate blood when you're pregnant.

The whole time I was waiting for Justin to show up, was like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. I just wanted to skip the part of telling him. I let him mess around with his car when clearly he could sense something was off..

I couldn't say it. I couldn't say I'm Pregnant. When I tried nothing came out.

He eventually just started throwing ideas out there and then finally asked if I was pregnant. When I shook my head "yes" he put his tools down and came and sat right next to me.

He took the news better than I did and even procedded to tell me how excited he was. And there I was, a complete sobbing mess. I already felt like a horrible mother for not being excited to be blessed with such an amazing gift.

But, that wasn't it. I wasn't upset because God gave me a beautiful baby. I was upset because I always thought that when the time came to having children, Justin and I would be jumping with joy just talking about stopping bc and planning everything out. And the fact that I found out I was pregnant at 19 also hurt a bit. I didn't wanted to be stereotyped as a "Teenage Mom" because that's not what I considered myself.

9 months passed and my beautiful daughter was born. Every concern just faded away and I didn't give a crap about what people thought of me. I was a mom. Whether people liked it or not.

My daughter is now almost 4 months old and she is beyond precious. She has the most beautiful soul ever. Her smiles bring me more joy and delight than Dove Chocolate I could have EVER imagined!

Here is to you Laila Rayne Martin! My sweet sweet Baby.

I'll love you forever

I'll like you for always

As long as I'm living my baby you'll be

Love You Forever

10 Day Challenge: Day 5

Day 5: Five Foods

1. Steak

2. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

3. Italian

4. Strawberries

5. Chinese

Blog Award.

Ashlee over @ The Story of Us was kind enough to give me the Lovely Blog Award. Thanks Ashlee!! She recently had a beautiful baby boy who is adorabbblleeee! Head on over to her blog, you'll love her!

To accept this award you simply have to...

1. Post it on your blog together with the name of the person who granted you this award and her blog link.

2. Pass this award onto 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered

{My newly discovered list is pretty short}

3. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been choosen for this award.

1. A redhead & brown haired baby boy

2. Between the Lines

3. Days Filled With Love

4. Letters from Home

5. Our Journey

6. Baby-Talk

7. Here Comes the Sun

8. The Life of a Sippy Cup Mom



10 Day Challenge: Day 5

Day 5: 6 Places

1. Washington State {I'm in love with all the greenery}

2. New York City {Another Love}

3. Florida {Birth State}

4. New Zealand {Someday}

5. Africa {Someday}

6. Europe {Someday}

Re-lactation Update!!

Re-lactating has been hard but in the end it's so very very rewarding, to myself and to my daughter.

After running out of Domperidone and catching up with the mail man to hunt it down, my supply went right back to normal. As if I never had stopped taking it in the first place. Thank the Lord!

Right now, Laila is currently eating between 3-4 ounces every 3-4 hours. At night she walks up at least once to eat. Totalling 5-6 bottles a day. So on a normal day she eats anywhere between 18-25 ounces a day.

I usually pump between 10-12 ounces from my first pumping session of the day and then usually 1.5-2 ounces each time after that {every 2 hours} Total, I will pump on average 20-25 ounces a day.

I tried and tried nursing Laila but she doesn't seem interested anymore. She is too distracted which is completely fine. But on the days that I can get her to nurse, it puts a huge smile from ear to ear on my face. And I will keep trying.

But pumping and feeding her a bottle has been the easiest so far because of my job. And I still feel this amazing bond because she is getting my breast milk. {I always feel this amazing bond, after all she is my daughter.}

When people ask me how long I plan on pumping, especailly my work. I tell them I would like to go for a full year. I understand this may not happen but it's my wish. I want to be able to give my daughter the best. And even though pumping is a hassle and gets old, I still love it. And thinking about stopping, makes me sad.

And to clarify- Laila's middle.of.the.night.bottle is formula. We decided to do it this way because heating up breast milk in the middle of the night takes some time.

Friday Confessional

*I spent way too much money this week...all camera related

*I was irritated at Justin for being the only one to calm Laila down. I just really wanted her to want to be held by me

*I am so sick of the place where we live. No a/c, the heating sucks, it's small and cramped

*So I'm coming up with any and every excuse to move

*I hate taking the time to shave my legs

*I'm also OCD about it and have to have them shaved perfectly

*I wish Laila would sleep in on the weekends instead of waking up at 6 am

*Pumping all.the.time is exhausting and it's getting old

*BUT, there is NO WAY I am stopping now {I plan on going for a year}

*I was such a baby when I went in to have Implanon inserted

*I can't believe it took me 3.5 months to even get birth control

*Justin and I had a pregnancy scare. oh.my.gawd.

Baby Meltdown

*Sigh*

It's been hectic and stressful in our household lately.

Night time has become herendous. Laila fights bedtime every.single.night. She screams and screams...and screams for about 20-30 minutes. Sometimes, even longer.

And it's always after her bathtime. We tried a later bathtime, an earlier bathtime, skipping bathtime. None of it worked.

We've tried Gripe Water and Gas Drops. Even tried swaddling her, which she hates.

Nothing seems to work.

And the past couple nights its been even worse because she refuses to let me hold her at night. She kicks and screams and tries to get out of my arms. She wants daddy...

And when that happened, I had a horrible meltdown. I hated hate the feeling of my daughter not wanting to be held by me.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Any tips?

10 Day Challenge: Day 4

Day 4: Seven Wants

1. To lose 50 + pounds

2. Tamron 28-75 f2.8

3. Canon 50mm f1.4

4. Canon 50D DSLR

5. A cozy home

6. A new tattoo

7. Marry Justin

10 Day Challenge: Day 3

Day 3: 8 Fears

1. Losing my family

2. Clowns

3. Spiders

4. Being/dying alone

5. Driving to unfamiliar locations

6. Sharks

7. Driving next to Semi's

8. Catching an incurable disease

9. Public toilets

10. Slipping back to my old unhealthy habits

THANKS.

I've been meaning to blog about this but my mind always...always wanders...

Awhile back, Sonya over @ {shutter}mama hosted a blog giveaway. The winner received one of these amazing headbands made by Twysted Yarn. Definitely check out her {etsy shop} She does amazing work and I am jealous of her skillzzz.

And I was extremely surprised when {shutter}mama announced myself as the winner. I was beyond thrilled. Picture my doing a happy dance...that was me.

I've worn my Jess Headwrap numerous times and just love it. It's a bummer winter is coming to an end.

I even took way too many pictures to show it off.. BUT as usually, I will post once I transfer pics from camera to computer. I'm so horrible at that.

10 Day Challenge: Day 2

Day 2: Nine Loves

1. My amazing.beautiful.loving daughter, Laila

2. Justin, my other half

3. Autumn

4. Reading books on a rainy day

5. Canon Rebel XSI {one day I will upgrade, not anytime soon}

6. Victoria's Secret {I'm obsessed with that place}

7. Traveling

8. 50mm 1.8

9. Silver Jeans

10. Interior Decorating

new blog-do.

A huge thank you to From Here to Eternity for re-designing my blog. I am absolutely in love with it and she did such an amazing job and was sooo easy to work with.

If you would like a new blog-do, head on over to her blog!!

10 Day Challenge: Day 1

I saw this one on Here Comes the Sun as well as Our Little Lifesicle. I figured I would join in and open up with everyone a little more.

And I definitely recommend heading over to their blogs, both are amazing mothers with adorable babies. And we all loovvveee babies :]

Day 1: Ten Secrets

I feel weird posting my secrets..that's why they're secrets.

BUT, I suppose I can post one of them.

I count steps as I walk up them and If I miss one, I usually go back and start over...

my dearest sister.

My sister is amazing, completely amazing and I can never quite express how much I miss her. How I just long to give her a huge hug and see her beautiful face everyday.

She's an amazing woman, an amazing photographer, an amazing sister with a heart filled with so much love to offer.

And she gives that love to Matt, my soon-to-be-brother-in-law!! Their ENGAGED!!!

photos done by jenwilliams

sadness.

I work full-time, exactly fourty hours.

Monday - Friday.

And every morning, I have to drop Laila off at my mom's house or the other sitters.

And every morning, I cry.

I feel like I shouldn't be leaving my daughter for 9 hours a day.

Nor do I want to.

I hate walking away from her. I should be the one taking care of her.

What if I miss something BIG?! I'll be devestated.

Ugh.

I've been really struggling with this and everybody tells me it gets easier but it's hasn't. It's been getting harder.

I just want my baby :[

Stalker. not me..

Not having my Domperidone has really hurt my supply. I'm only pumping about 1/2 an ounce maybe less each time I pump. This hurts. I even started drinking Mothers Milk hoping it would help but I haven't noticed anything.

BUT, now I do have my Domperidone. The mail man tried delivering it Saturday. I was gone at an eye appointment and Justin was moving our old couch to get ready and deliver it to it's new owner. He never heard a knock or the doorbell.

So, when I got home I just happened to check the mail, I wasn't expecting to received my Dom for another couple days. And I noticed a slip in there and it said I wasn't able to pick it up until MONDAY.

No way was I waiting until Monday and luckily our mail mans truck was still parked on the other road. So I drove up and waited in my car until he showed up. Ugh, he was in his truck and ended up driving away :[ I wasn't done though. So I followed him.

Turns out he was taking his lunch break...so I had to wait a freaking hour. But during that hour I waited I had to go home and sell our coffee table and get gas. By the time I was back he was still there, eating.

Another 15 minutes passed and he came out. FINALLY.

Once he got to his truck I stopped him and asked if I could have my package. He probably thought I was some serious stalker but I NEEDED my Domperidone.

Yay for now having 600 pills that will only last me two months...

All About Laila {3 Months}

My dearest Laila is already 3 months old. Yes, 3 months ago, she made her beautiful entrance into this world. Not one day has gone by where my heart hasn't melted from the beauty that radiates off of her. She's such an amazing daughter. My daughter. My heart. My soul. My life.

*She is wearing 0-3 clothes and size 1 diapers.

*I don't know her exact weight or height. I'm guessing she is around 11 lbs and 24 inches. I'll figure that out.

*She has 5-6 bottles a day. Usually 4 ounces at a time. Sometimes she has 5 but if she has anymore than that she is a spit-up machine.

*Daytime bottles are breast milk and nighttime bottles are formula. This has worked fantastic for us.

*She walks up ONCE at night to eat. I don't mind this at all.

*She is still sleeping right next to my side and will be for a while.

*She is more aware of her own body...like her hands. Not a day, minute, second goes by where those little fingers aren't shoved into her mouth. It's insane. She even chews on them to the point of almost making herself throw up :/

*She is starting to roll. How scary. The other day, she almost rolled right into my pump that was currently going. But she still hasn't rolled back to belly completely and then belly to back. She just rolls on to her sides and that's only once in a while.

*She doesn't mind tummy time, FINALLY! I was worried that her neck muscles wouldn't be grand but their perfect. She's perfect.

*She loves to stand on her feet. If I could hold her up all day like this, maybe I would. Although, that would be TIRING.

*She fights sleep...like mad. Honestly, that drives me bonkers. She will be SO tired and just cry. Nothing calms her down. Then she finally falls asleep. I hate this. I feel so terrible.

*Still loves her bath time and gets on every week night.

*She could probably stare at herself in the mirror forever. It's amazing. She makes the cutest face ever when she sees herself. My heart melts.

*She prefers daddy to put her to bed. Such a daddy's girl.

*She loves lights, running water, fans, T.V.s

*When she isn't shoving her hands in her mouth, she is using them to grab something...anything. And that usually means my hair or her pacifier clip. This has lead me to get a hair cut. Nothing drastic, though.

*She enjoys staring at our dog, Mykenzie.

*She gets bored very quickly.

*She tries to SIT UP. For real, I lay her down and it looks like she is trying to do some sit-ups. I figured this was her trying to sit up like a big girl!

*She wants to be held all.the.time. Baby Bjorn has been a lifesaver.

*She looks more like daddy than mommy. But acts more like mommy than daddy. :]

I can't imagine what kind of life I would have without Laila in it. I'd assume it wouldn't be as exciting, sleep depriving, stressful as it is but I love the way I live my life. I love everything about it and couldn't image it any other way. My daughter means the world to me and I am so grateful and so thankful for her.

Good News & Bad News

GOOD NEWS!

We only had our couch posted on Craigs List for a week and a half, maybe 2 weeks. But the process of selling it was tough. We had a ton of people trying to scam using money transfers and Western Union. We didn't fall for it one bit. And it's amazing how many people don't want to pay cash or pick up and those were two of our requests. We had a couple who tried playing games with us for delivery day. And then we had a ton of people who practically wanted the couch for free.

But, after all that, we finally sold it. *Insert happy dance here* I couldn't be more stoked. And $700 buckaroos is not too bad. {Most people only wanted to pay us $500.}

On Saturday we will be saying "So long, Chocolate Leather Sectional. Hello Olive Sofa and Loveseat"

Yes, Olive. That is the color of the set we will be getting. And I'm in lovveee.

Looks like this {crappy pic, snapped with my cell when we went couch shopping a couple weeks ago}:

Super comfortable. I can't wait to sit my booty on that thing.

I'm even buying that gorgeous rug, which is hard to see in the pic.

Hey, might even buy that coffee table. {we're selling ours on CL as well}

Ah. Furniture overload.

Can Saturday come sooner, pretty please?

BAD NEWS:

I ran out of Domperidone {that medicine is the reason I pump 12 ounces a day} I completely forgot to order it in time and won't be receiving my next shipment until Monday. I'm seriously worried my supply is going to tank and I'll have to start ALL OVER. This brings me to tears. I'm such an idiot. At least I ordered 600 pills {2 months worth} this time. :[