Re-lactating

Breastfeeding was a challenge for Laila and I.

She rejected my left boob and then my right.

My supply was tanking.

I didn't feel the bonding experience that I expected.

It was hard.

And tiring...

But SO much easier than formula feeding.

I miss the simplicity of breastfeeding.

No washing bottles constantly.

No preperation.

All I had to do was whip it out, haha.

I just don't feel right giving my daughter formula. AT ALL.

I tell others not to beat themselves up about giving their child formula.

Yet, here I am, giving myself such a hard time.

I was meant to breastfeed. I KNOW IT.

I CANNOT give up. (Even though it's been about a month)

So..I've decided to try and re-lactate.

It's going to be HARDER than breastfeeding was in the beginning.

But I WON'T give up.

Call me crazy.

WHINE.

I go back to work in just a couple days. January 24th to be exact.
I'm terrified of this day and wish I could prolong it.

But I can't.

I have to face the fact that I can't be a stay at home mama. :[
Which breaks my heart.
I never thought that I would want to stay home all day long.

But I do.

I want to stay home with my beauty. I don't want to leave her :[

CRAP.

{Photo Dump}

More photo's from Laila's photo shoot done by {shutter}mama

You can see the other ones here

isn't she awesome.

i think so.

Depression.

Depression sucks. I've been there, done that. For years and years. Most of my teenage life, actually. I think it started around age 13 or 14.

I lost interest in friends. I didn't enjoy seeing them. I didn't want to go out with them. I wanted nothing to do with them. I didn't enjoy my passions. I even forgot what they were. They were non exsistant. I didn't pay attention during school. I wound up getting horrible grades and not even caring. I'd go home and sleep. For hours. I wouldn't eat. But, I secretly enjoyed that. I loved having an empty stomach. Feeling thin and so lite. And I secretly enjoyed staring at the bones protruding from my body. 

My depression got SO bad, to the point where my thoughts were being taken over by suicidal thoughts. Sharp objects soon became my best friend. Alcohol was amazing. Nothing mattered to me but those three things. Those three things were now my life. Nothing else mattered. 

Everyone became concerned. Parents, family members, teachers, friends. Anyone. Eventually the cops got involved. No one could deal with me anymore, no one knew what to do. Eventually, I was taken to Rogers and put in the inpatient program. I spent 2 weeks there and was released. Only to arrive 2 days later for attempting suicide. I spent another 2 weeks there and was released again. This time feeling like a different person. A better person. Someone completely knew. Almost.

Things were great for a while. But, eventually I went back to my old ways. And this time I was sent to Winnebago Mental Health Institute in an ambulance. I was monitored closely. Wasn't allowed to have any of my own personal belongs. No shoe ties. Wasn't allowed to use the bathroom after I ate. It was hectic there. And I spent 6 whole months recovering, learning new coping methods. Healing. Learning to love myself.

I was prescribed many anti-depressants while I was there. Some worked, but many didn't. The side effects and constant switching made me feel like shit. Eventually, I found "the one." The one that made everything better. I felt happy...alive. I felt like a normal person.

But deep down, I hated taking medication. Despised it. I wanted to deal with my emotions on my own. I didn't want medication to make me happy. To make the pain go away. Why couldn't I do it on my own? But I couldn't. The suicidal thoughts never stopped, the cutting never stopped. The rebellion never stopped. The horrible feelings never stopped. Unless, I was on medication, of course. I needed the anti-depressants.

Years went by and eventually I didn't need the medication. I had no suicidal thoughts, no cutting, I continued to eat...some days (I still struggle with this) I was HAPPY. I felt FREE. I felt ALIVE.

And here I am today, still ALIVE.

But what hurts me, is the fact that I am back on anti-depressants.

Photo Shoot

Laila had a photo shoot with {shutter}mama a few days ago. I've known this girl since high school and she's freaking amazing. Not to mention, her daughter just melts my heart. So precious.

I love my sweetheart. Words won't ever be able to describe just how much.

She is my world.

Thank You, Sonya!!!

my heart broke a little...

...while I was wondering through Target with Hannah and saw all the bikinis on display. I'm devastated that I won't be wearing one this summer. Heck, maybe I won't even be wearing one in 2012. But, I'm even more devastated because that means I'll be too self conscious to take Laila swimming. I don't want her to miss out on the fun summer adventures because of my self consciousness. 

But, have I done anything to get that SEXY body?! Hecckkssss NOOOO. 

Fussy, Crying, Screaming. Growth Spurt?

I'd be lying if I said the last couple days have been easy. Instead, they have been far from easy. Laila has been really difficult to handle. She's been crying and screaming like never before. And I just don't know how to deal with it. She doesn't anything that she normally wants and she seems to always be hungry. Is this the 6 week growth spurt that I've heard so much about? 

Some days, I don't know what to do. I'm here all alone while Justin works and at times, I find it being too much for me. Some days, I just need a break. Which I feel like I never get. I want to cry some days because I'm lonely and overwhelmed. 

I love L but the past couple days have been so hard on me. It's sad and upsetting and I feel embarrassed. I feel like a bad mom at times for not knowing what to do.

I am really hoping that this is just her 6 week growth spurt and in a few days it will pass. But in the mean time, please pray.