All About Laila: 1 month

Things I’ve learned about Laila in the past 4 weeks

*She is a loud sleeper so don’t get out of bed every time she makes a noise. I’ve learned the hard way. Every sound, I would pick her up and that woke her up. Leaving me with a tired and cranky baby. 

*Bibs and burp cloths are a necessity, she’s a messy eater.  

*She can sleep through the noise at Starbucks perfectly. My aunt and I have started going to Starbucks every Thursday to relax on the comfy chairs and have some comfy. Couple minutes later and Laila is sound asleep. She loves that place. 

*She enjoys bath time. This worried me because she HATED sponge baths. So, I became terrified that she wouldn’t enjoy taking a bath with Justin or I. Turns out I was wrong. She loves it. And not only is it relaxing for her, it’s relaxing for Justin and I as well and it’s a great way for us to bond with her.

*She loves the sound of running water, the bathroom fan and “shhh”

*She hates tummy time while on the floor but will do a fantastic joy while lying on someone’s chest.

* Her face turns BRIGHT red when she’s trying to poop. She’ll usually let you know she’s all done when she starts crying because she doesn’t want to deal with the smell. Ahaha.

*If she starts to fuss within a couple minutes of laying her in her pnp she is not ready for bed. 

*She hates diaper changes. It does not matter if the wipes are warm or cold, she just hates it. 

*When she gets hiccups, you better have the gripe water ready. It works 80% of the time. Otherwise, she just cries and cries. 

*She smiles all the time. Even when she’s farting.

*She chews on her hands now. She used to only do this when she was hungry. Now she does it for fun. 

*She prefers Justin to put her to bed. Which I don’t mind at all, I actually love this. 

*She is not a fan of diaper changes. And it doesn’t matter if the wipes are warm or cold.

*She isn’t a big fan of being swaddled. Sometimes, she just cries more and more if you do swaddle her. At times she doesn’t mind, though. 

*She’s becoming more vocal besides crying. 

*She loves her mam pacifier. 

*She prefers to sleep next to Justin or I in bed rather than all alone in her pnp. I love this as well. 

*She enjoys staring at lights or anything bright. It’ll help calm her down. 

*Never rush to change her poppy diaper. Sometimes, she is finished doing her business and now you have 2 wasted diapers instead of 1. Wasting diapers is a NO-NO!

*She hates being buckled into her car seat but once you pick her up, she calms down...most of the time.

*She hates being in rooms all by herself. She needs to know that you're there with her.  

I don't know if you can tell BUT she has her pointer finger up for "one" :]

 

Post Body

It’s been 4 weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Laila. I should be happy for myself AND my body for creating such a beautiful life and yet, I am not. Instead, I find myself hating the image I have to look at daily in the mirror. It shows what I am now.  Saggy skin and stretch marks. FATNESS.

But now, I have more important things to worry about besides the size of my belly, boobs or ass. And yet, the thoughts take hold every time I look down at myself or look in a mirror. How can I be so hard on myself when it took my body 9 whole months to become this way? Shouldn’t I relax and give myself even LONGER to let my body bounce back to what it used to be? I should, but I don’t. I dread just the thought of Justin seeing me naked. I’ve lost all confidence.

I’ve been told my others mothers that my body will not sag forever. That one day, it will get better. That the stretch marks will fade and my skin will regain its elasticity. But, I don’t believe them. I think they lie. Throughout my whole pregnancy, I thought maybe I would be lucky, that my body will “bounce back” with the snap of a finger. I’m guessing that idea came from all the celebrities who somehow look AMAZING after giving birth. 

Reality sucks monkey balls.

I hate admitting all of this. I sound selfish and ungrateful. I absolutely am in love with my daughter and am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. But I hate that I had to give up my “already hated body” to just deal with an uglier version of it. Can you tell I have body issues? I love my daughter but hate what happened to my body. 

Maybe…just maybe, I’ll come to realize that my body isn’t THAT important. Maybe, I will become one of those mothers who adore their stretch marks and sagging belly. Maybe, one day, my body will go back to the way it used to be.  

Maybe, one day, I will stop hating my body. I’ll look in the mirror and love what I see.

One day. Only time can tell.

 

Justin, Myself and Laila

 

I'm not ready for 2010 to be over. I don't know why. It's just went way too quick. Was I even there? 

Things have been getting better with Justin and I. He knows how I feel and understands that I need help with Laila and around the house. That I can't do it all on my own. 

I hate needing help, though. 

Anyways...moving on.

Yesterday, Laila wore her first 0-3 month outfit.

And today she is 4 weeks! 

Oops, have to go. My honey bun just woke up and I'm sure she is starving!

Merry Merry Merry

I sure hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! 

Now onto 2011

Time sure flies!

Relationship

Justin is a great father and an amazing boyfriend.

*Please forgive me* But some days, I don't feel that "spark" that use to be there. And deep down, I'm just having a hard time dealing with not feeling the same way I use to towards him. My priorities have changed and I feel like it's all about Laila now.

Not to mention the stress, lack of sleep, hormones and everything else that comes with having a baby. It's a lot of work! 

*Please forgive me, again* And some days, I feel like a single mother. I feel like I've taken on all the parenting duties, alone. I feed her, I burp her, I change her, I bathe her, I play with her, I sing to her, I put her to bed, I wake up in the middle of the night...
 

Yes, Justin does some of these things as well but most of the time I feel like I have to ask for his help. I feel like I am constantly nagging him.. And then constantly trying to control things when he does help. That is something that I have to change in order for things to get better.

I'm wholeheartedly expecting this to change over time. That that amazing spark will come back. But for now, I feel like I've failed him as a girlfriend.

I feel like I've failed myself.

New Stuff!

Since Laila is sound asleep on my lap, I took the time to work on a new look.

I just wasn't happy with my old one.

Took forever, so worth it though.
 

For your viewing pleasure.
 

Cranky Laila right before she decided it was time for her nap.

And I have a new button. 

Made by the beautiful, {shutter}mama

30 Days..Slacking

I've been a slacker. Sorry! But, life is busy...and I completely forgot about it. 

Anyways, 

Day 9. Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted. 

Not sure if this one counts because we reconnected after we drifted apart. But he sure is more than special to me :] 

Justin and I were close. Very close. We weren't dating, just friends. But I knew in my heart that I wanted him to be mine. I didn't know if he wanted the same thing, though. 

We spent all of our time together. Every moment that we could. I always waited to see his smile. Then one day, it all ended. I didn't hear from him and he didn't hear from me. 

More days past and we still had not spoken or seen each other. I was beyond devastated and heart broken.

Days, weeks, months went by. People continued to ask "Where's Justin?" Every time I heard that, I cried. 

Here I was, completely fallen for this guy, that just up and left

With him out of my life, I was a mess. I started drinking hardcore and smoking marijuana. I stayed out late and hung out with the wrong crowd. 

I didn't want to feel pain. I didn't want to have to deal with my emotions from Justin leaving. I tried to block it out as much as possible. 

Nothing helped. 

But one night, he decided to call me. I didn't recognize the number because I had decided to delete it...

He apologized but I didn't care. I didn't want to talk to him. Maybe it was because I was drunk. I didn't even know how to get a sentence out to him. All I did was cry. He didn't understand. 

Men. 

He told me he loved me. Yes, the very first time he told me he loved me, I was a HUGE mess and didn't even tell him back. 

After that day, we had decided to spend some time together. 

I was with him for a couple hours when I just had to leave. It hurt too much to be in the same room with him. 

I just wasn't ready. Too many emotions hit me like a wave. So, I left and didn't know if I would ever see him again. 

But, of course I did. After that night. I just needed to see him. Couple days later, we spent time together. 

Oh, how I missed him. 

And here we are 3 years later. Completely in love.

Day 1. Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.