Body Issues

I'm in such a crappy mood with my weight. I hate the number I see on the scale, I hate the way my body looks. I feel unhealthy and disgusting. There is no such thing as confidence in my world, that all went out the window. And I don't blame it on pregnancy at all. It was my choice to eat the foods I did, to sit on my arse and be lazy.

Ya, I would diet and workout for a while but then all motivation disappeared. I was tired of working out and restricting myself. yada yada yada. But now, I regret it all because I feel like a big pile of mush. I have no self control, I don't know correctly, what's good and bad. Yes, eat veggies, fruits, and lean meats instead of sweets. I know that.

Currently, I have P90X, Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shread, and Jillian Michaels No More Trouble Zones.

Tell me, what are your favorite healthy recipes, workouts, tips, motivational stuff? I could use all the help.

Good thing Pinterest is amazing!


Here are some of my motivational pins

Source: losing30lbsincollege.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Source: noskinnybitcheshere.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Source: get-thinspiration.tumblr.com via Jessica on Pinterest

Source: None via Jessica on Pinterest

I'm hoping I will have the strength, the courage, to actually get where I want to be.

Weight Watchers

Since I was a teenager, I remember always having issues with my body. I always had love handles, a large chest and the extra fat hanging onto my stomach.

And I struggled every.single.day.

I struggled with people calling me fat, or saying I had fake boobs. I hid in clothes way too large because I was uncomfortable in my own skin.

I would constantly weigh myself. Sometimes even every 5 minutes. I was incredibly disgusted with myself.

I dieted the unhealthy way. I wouldn't eat or if I did eat, it wouldn't stay in my stomach for long.

I couldn't get myself to stop and I tried, I tried hard to change my ways. To diet the healthy way and exercise but I just couldn't.

Eventually I got help, 6 months worth of help. And It worked but every since I had a child my body hasn't been the same.

But this time around, I want to do it the healthy way. And I made a decision to join Weight Watchers. The first week was amazing, I lose about 2 pounds. But weeks 2 and 3 were hell.

I failed. And failed again. And I was ready to give up.

But I'm starting over again because losing 50 pounds and becoming FIT is something I desire.

I even bought P90X and did it ONCE. First time I did it, I pinced a nerve in my back and was left in SO much pain. I could barely care for my child.

But, I want to get back into because I've seen amazing results with this beautiful lady. 

I want to look good for myself and for Justin. And exercising and eating correctly is the right way to go.

Please, wish me luck ladies. I'm sure I'll need it.

my heart broke a little...

...while I was wondering through Target with Hannah and saw all the bikinis on display. I'm devastated that I won't be wearing one this summer. Heck, maybe I won't even be wearing one in 2012. But, I'm even more devastated because that means I'll be too self conscious to take Laila swimming. I don't want her to miss out on the fun summer adventures because of my self consciousness. 

But, have I done anything to get that SEXY body?! Hecckkssss NOOOO. 

Post Body

It’s been 4 weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Laila. I should be happy for myself AND my body for creating such a beautiful life and yet, I am not. Instead, I find myself hating the image I have to look at daily in the mirror. It shows what I am now.  Saggy skin and stretch marks. FATNESS.

But now, I have more important things to worry about besides the size of my belly, boobs or ass. And yet, the thoughts take hold every time I look down at myself or look in a mirror. How can I be so hard on myself when it took my body 9 whole months to become this way? Shouldn’t I relax and give myself even LONGER to let my body bounce back to what it used to be? I should, but I don’t. I dread just the thought of Justin seeing me naked. I’ve lost all confidence.

I’ve been told my others mothers that my body will not sag forever. That one day, it will get better. That the stretch marks will fade and my skin will regain its elasticity. But, I don’t believe them. I think they lie. Throughout my whole pregnancy, I thought maybe I would be lucky, that my body will “bounce back” with the snap of a finger. I’m guessing that idea came from all the celebrities who somehow look AMAZING after giving birth. 

Reality sucks monkey balls.

I hate admitting all of this. I sound selfish and ungrateful. I absolutely am in love with my daughter and am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. But I hate that I had to give up my “already hated body” to just deal with an uglier version of it. Can you tell I have body issues? I love my daughter but hate what happened to my body. 

Maybe…just maybe, I’ll come to realize that my body isn’t THAT important. Maybe, I will become one of those mothers who adore their stretch marks and sagging belly. Maybe, one day, my body will go back to the way it used to be.  

Maybe, one day, I will stop hating my body. I’ll look in the mirror and love what I see.

One day. Only time can tell.