saying goodbye

After much much debate, I have stopped pumping for Laila at the ten month mark. I have to say, the decision was SO hard for me. *tears*

I'm going to miss taking those short breaks at work to pump, I'm going to miss the closeness pumping gave me, I'm going to miss giving my daughter the best nutrients possible (breastfeeding is definitely NOT the only way to give your child the best nutrients possible though)

Why I stopped? The move definitely put a lot of stress on my supply and I just could not find the time to pump and having to deal with that for a couple of days, didn't help very much. I ran out of Domperidone, the BIGGEST reason I was even able to re-lactate and I did order some but it was just too late and my supply wasn't able to hold (I still haven't received that shipment of Domperidone, normally takes about 2 weeks to get) And honestly, I was tired of feeling like I spent more time with my pump, than with my daughter. But stress played a huge part in my decision and I suppose I have to be proud of myself for even re-lactating in the first place and pumping for over 8 months, but a part of me feels...shameful, guilty, so incredibly bad.

Overall, deciding to stop pumping, has been hard and very emotional for me, and I'm definitely still in the process of stopping. Hello engorement.

But who knows, maybe after a week or two, I'll decide I made a huge mistake and try to get my supply back...once again.

Re-lactation Update

It's been months since I've done a re-lactation post and it's been FIVE months since I've started this process/journey. And let me just tell ya, this has been the best decision I have made for myself and for my daughter.

I'm so incredibly proud of myself for even going this long because I have had a lot of ups and downs. I've dealt with an incredible amount of loneliness due to constantly being hooked up to my pump. I've felt like a horrible mother for pumping instead of playing with my daughter and no mother should ever feel like that but...it happens. I've dealt with pumping too much milk {40+ ounces} to pumping not enough milk.

But I was always able get through it, and those hard times made me really realize how much I loved giving my daughter breast milk and made me realize that I want to try and go until she is 1. Sometimes, I think I'm crazy for wanting to go that long pumping but I'm just not ready to give it up and I really want to try and stay off of formula.

Where I am at now: Things are rough right now. I am almost out of domperidone and won't receive my next stash for another 2 weeks and my supply is slowly dropping. I'm trying to pump as much as possible but there is only so much pumping I can do before I want to run the thing over. I'm kind of kicking myself in the arse right now because just a week ago, I was dumping milk because I had absolutely no where to store it. Stupid mistake on my part. It does helps immensely that Laila drinks water, juice and is also on solid foods. If I didn't have those three things, I would have to give her formula. I'll get through it, I know I will!

medela whine.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now.

I'm in PAIN.

I'm miserable.

I want to smack Medela in the face.

I could cry right now.

My boobs are killing me. Is that OK for me to say?

After all, it is my blog.

I haven't pumped since 1:30 yesterday. YESTERDAY! THURSDAY! Ugh.

My power cord took a huge crap and decided to stop working, must be a short. The thing stinks. As in, smells real bad.

I've thought about running out and buying a new PUMP just so I could stop being in pain. But, I really don't want to drop $300 just so I can use the power cord.

I've called the hospital...no answer. CALL ME BACK!

Target and Babies R Us don't have anything in stock.

Shoot.me.now.

how I kill time while pumping.

Currently reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Ah-mazing!

Re-lactation Update!!

Re-lactating has been hard but in the end it's so very very rewarding, to myself and to my daughter.

After running out of Domperidone and catching up with the mail man to hunt it down, my supply went right back to normal. As if I never had stopped taking it in the first place. Thank the Lord!

Right now, Laila is currently eating between 3-4 ounces every 3-4 hours. At night she walks up at least once to eat. Totalling 5-6 bottles a day. So on a normal day she eats anywhere between 18-25 ounces a day.

I usually pump between 10-12 ounces from my first pumping session of the day and then usually 1.5-2 ounces each time after that {every 2 hours} Total, I will pump on average 20-25 ounces a day.

I tried and tried nursing Laila but she doesn't seem interested anymore. She is too distracted which is completely fine. But on the days that I can get her to nurse, it puts a huge smile from ear to ear on my face. And I will keep trying.

But pumping and feeding her a bottle has been the easiest so far because of my job. And I still feel this amazing bond because she is getting my breast milk. {I always feel this amazing bond, after all she is my daughter.}

When people ask me how long I plan on pumping, especailly my work. I tell them I would like to go for a full year. I understand this may not happen but it's my wish. I want to be able to give my daughter the best. And even though pumping is a hassle and gets old, I still love it. And thinking about stopping, makes me sad.

And to clarify- Laila's middle.of.the.night.bottle is formula. We decided to do it this way because heating up breast milk in the middle of the night takes some time.

{Cell Photos}

Seriously, I can't even BEGIN to tell you how happy I was to be able to pump THREE OUNCES from each breast.

my beauty sound asleep

 discovering her naked body {with a diaper, of course}



re-lactation {so far}

This is quite the journey and I can so that so far, I am beyond proud of myself. I have stuck to a strict pumping schedule and have been taking 3 Fenugreek 3x a day as well as 3 Domperidone 3x a day. I just started taking the Domperidone on Monday and have already seen a huge difference in output.

Before I was getting a teaspoon each breast. IF that. Sometimes I would get nothing. Now I am getting 1/2 an ounce each breast, sometimes less...depending on the time of the day it is.

I was using my Lansinoh Affinity but it wasn't able to keep up with all the constant pumping I was doing {every two hours} so I've been using the Medela Lactina, hospital grade!! This sucker is huge and amazing. Not to mention, much quieter for when I have to pump at work. My Lansinoh sounds like a dying duck/cow. When I'm done with the Lactina, I'll be using the PISA.

I haven't tried to get Laila to latch. I'm terrified she will just scream at it again but I know that in order for her TO latch, she's got to practice. I even have a nipple shield to try and trick her into it. 

The thought of breastfeeding Laila again makes me SO incredibly happy. It's what I want. I want her to NURSE. Not just get pumped breastmilk from a bottle. NURSE.

:]

{photo dump}

pictures taken with my new camera. 

i'm still learning how to use it so please don't mind the overexposed, grainy, out of focus shots. 

:]

pumpinggg

it's 2:14 a.m. and i'm pumping.

i can't wait to go back to bed...

LC

I met with an LC today. Sabrina. She came to my house and even brought her adorable daughter along. Can you believe she breastfed her daughter for FOUR years. That's amazing. Something I could NEVER do! 

Her and I are working on Laila's latch..or lack there-of. We even used my Medela SNS (supplemental nursing system). Which is a PITA. The thing is just so complicated and takes a lot of time and dedication to use, in my opinion.

When we first tried to use it, Laila just screamed. She got so incredibly angry at us, it was unbelievable. I felt terrible. Heartbroken. My baby will never latch :[ 

We took a little break and gave it another shot. The second time she latched on and drank some breast milk (from the tubing) She did that for about a minute and then she got extremely upset because the flow stopped working and nothing was coming out. 

I almost started crying. I can't describe how I felt. To see her suckling. Ah. I miss it already. 

We tired a couple more time after that but she was not interested. She was tired and cranky and wanted nothing to do with my boob for the rest of the day. Which is understandable. This process takes time. I can't expect her to catch on right away. It's a learning process for the both of us. 

Not to mention, I had know idea how to hold her while nursing. I completely forgot everything. 

Sabrina is coming over tomorrow and bringing me a more efficient pump. The Medela PISA. I'm pretty excited to see how this sucker works. 

Other things going on. 

I got my new Canon Rebel XSI in the mail the other day along with my new 50mm f1.8 lens. It's freaking awesome. I'm in love. Although, I have no clue how to use it but I'm learning. I'll post some pictures once I put them on my computer. 

Being back at work is hard. Stressful. Sad. Boring. Fun. Lonely. Eh. I missed working but I miss my daughter even more. I have a hard time concentrating because I'm wondering what she is up to and how she is doing. This leads me to call my mother and in home sitter quite often. But she does fantastic and I love seeing her smile when I wake in the door. Makes my day much brighter. 

Laila went to bed last night at 8 pm and did not wake up till 4 am for a bottle. So, she slept 8 straight hours. This was heaven!!!! After her bottle, she slept till 7:30 and we were then both up for the day. I forgot what it was like to sleep 7 straight hours. {Yes I went to bed at 9pm on a Saturday, L and I actually feel asleep on the couch together.}

Our water heater keeps turning off. Bummer. We called our landlord about it a couple days ago and he never called us back. At 4 am when I made a bottle for Laila, all we had was ice cold water. Not cool. So, Justin called our landlord again. No answer. But he called us back within a few minutes. They came over a couple hours ago and replaced the piece of junk. Hopefully, this means our hot water will last longer than 5 minutes. :]

On that note, I'm going to go shower.

rawr.

I haven't blogged in forever. Couple days at least. I've just been busy.

I started work. :[

40 freaking hours. 8 hours a day.

Up at 5. Home at 3:30.

I've been tired. Drained. Worn out.

Luckily, Laila decided to start sleeping for 5 hours straight at night and then another 4.

This makes me very happy. But I still feel tired.

The process of relactating has been hard but so worth it.

No, I don't have a full supply, yet. But I've started taking Fenugreek and am waiting on my prescription of Domperidone.

In addition to that, I'm pumping every 2 hours. Which is EXHAUSTING.

But it's nice to get a 15 minute break every 2 hours at work. Although, I feel weird pumping at work.

Oh well, got to do what ya got to do.

Justin and I are about to watch Avatar so I must get off. 

Re-lactating

Breastfeeding was a challenge for Laila and I.

She rejected my left boob and then my right.

My supply was tanking.

I didn't feel the bonding experience that I expected.

It was hard.

And tiring...

But SO much easier than formula feeding.

I miss the simplicity of breastfeeding.

No washing bottles constantly.

No preperation.

All I had to do was whip it out, haha.

I just don't feel right giving my daughter formula. AT ALL.

I tell others not to beat themselves up about giving their child formula.

Yet, here I am, giving myself such a hard time.

I was meant to breastfeed. I KNOW IT.

I CANNOT give up. (Even though it's been about a month)

So..I've decided to try and re-lactate.

It's going to be HARDER than breastfeeding was in the beginning.

But I WON'T give up.

Call me crazy.