sadness.

I work full-time, exactly fourty hours.

Monday - Friday.

And every morning, I have to drop Laila off at my mom's house or the other sitters.

And every morning, I cry.

I feel like I shouldn't be leaving my daughter for 9 hours a day.

Nor do I want to.

I hate walking away from her. I should be the one taking care of her.

What if I miss something BIG?! I'll be devestated.

Ugh.

I've been really struggling with this and everybody tells me it gets easier but it's hasn't. It's been getting harder.

I just want my baby :[

LC

I met with an LC today. Sabrina. She came to my house and even brought her adorable daughter along. Can you believe she breastfed her daughter for FOUR years. That's amazing. Something I could NEVER do! 

Her and I are working on Laila's latch..or lack there-of. We even used my Medela SNS (supplemental nursing system). Which is a PITA. The thing is just so complicated and takes a lot of time and dedication to use, in my opinion.

When we first tried to use it, Laila just screamed. She got so incredibly angry at us, it was unbelievable. I felt terrible. Heartbroken. My baby will never latch :[ 

We took a little break and gave it another shot. The second time she latched on and drank some breast milk (from the tubing) She did that for about a minute and then she got extremely upset because the flow stopped working and nothing was coming out. 

I almost started crying. I can't describe how I felt. To see her suckling. Ah. I miss it already. 

We tired a couple more time after that but she was not interested. She was tired and cranky and wanted nothing to do with my boob for the rest of the day. Which is understandable. This process takes time. I can't expect her to catch on right away. It's a learning process for the both of us. 

Not to mention, I had know idea how to hold her while nursing. I completely forgot everything. 

Sabrina is coming over tomorrow and bringing me a more efficient pump. The Medela PISA. I'm pretty excited to see how this sucker works. 

Other things going on. 

I got my new Canon Rebel XSI in the mail the other day along with my new 50mm f1.8 lens. It's freaking awesome. I'm in love. Although, I have no clue how to use it but I'm learning. I'll post some pictures once I put them on my computer. 

Being back at work is hard. Stressful. Sad. Boring. Fun. Lonely. Eh. I missed working but I miss my daughter even more. I have a hard time concentrating because I'm wondering what she is up to and how she is doing. This leads me to call my mother and in home sitter quite often. But she does fantastic and I love seeing her smile when I wake in the door. Makes my day much brighter. 

Laila went to bed last night at 8 pm and did not wake up till 4 am for a bottle. So, she slept 8 straight hours. This was heaven!!!! After her bottle, she slept till 7:30 and we were then both up for the day. I forgot what it was like to sleep 7 straight hours. {Yes I went to bed at 9pm on a Saturday, L and I actually feel asleep on the couch together.}

Our water heater keeps turning off. Bummer. We called our landlord about it a couple days ago and he never called us back. At 4 am when I made a bottle for Laila, all we had was ice cold water. Not cool. So, Justin called our landlord again. No answer. But he called us back within a few minutes. They came over a couple hours ago and replaced the piece of junk. Hopefully, this means our hot water will last longer than 5 minutes. :]

On that note, I'm going to go shower.

rawr.

I haven't blogged in forever. Couple days at least. I've just been busy.

I started work. :[

40 freaking hours. 8 hours a day.

Up at 5. Home at 3:30.

I've been tired. Drained. Worn out.

Luckily, Laila decided to start sleeping for 5 hours straight at night and then another 4.

This makes me very happy. But I still feel tired.

The process of relactating has been hard but so worth it.

No, I don't have a full supply, yet. But I've started taking Fenugreek and am waiting on my prescription of Domperidone.

In addition to that, I'm pumping every 2 hours. Which is EXHAUSTING.

But it's nice to get a 15 minute break every 2 hours at work. Although, I feel weird pumping at work.

Oh well, got to do what ya got to do.

Justin and I are about to watch Avatar so I must get off. 

WHINE.

I go back to work in just a couple days. January 24th to be exact.
I'm terrified of this day and wish I could prolong it.

But I can't.

I have to face the fact that I can't be a stay at home mama. :[
Which breaks my heart.
I never thought that I would want to stay home all day long.

But I do.

I want to stay home with my beauty. I don't want to leave her :[

CRAP.