LC

I met with an LC today. Sabrina. She came to my house and even brought her adorable daughter along. Can you believe she breastfed her daughter for FOUR years. That's amazing. Something I could NEVER do! 

Her and I are working on Laila's latch..or lack there-of. We even used my Medela SNS (supplemental nursing system). Which is a PITA. The thing is just so complicated and takes a lot of time and dedication to use, in my opinion.

When we first tried to use it, Laila just screamed. She got so incredibly angry at us, it was unbelievable. I felt terrible. Heartbroken. My baby will never latch :[ 

We took a little break and gave it another shot. The second time she latched on and drank some breast milk (from the tubing) She did that for about a minute and then she got extremely upset because the flow stopped working and nothing was coming out. 

I almost started crying. I can't describe how I felt. To see her suckling. Ah. I miss it already. 

We tired a couple more time after that but she was not interested. She was tired and cranky and wanted nothing to do with my boob for the rest of the day. Which is understandable. This process takes time. I can't expect her to catch on right away. It's a learning process for the both of us. 

Not to mention, I had know idea how to hold her while nursing. I completely forgot everything. 

Sabrina is coming over tomorrow and bringing me a more efficient pump. The Medela PISA. I'm pretty excited to see how this sucker works. 

Other things going on. 

I got my new Canon Rebel XSI in the mail the other day along with my new 50mm f1.8 lens. It's freaking awesome. I'm in love. Although, I have no clue how to use it but I'm learning. I'll post some pictures once I put them on my computer. 

Being back at work is hard. Stressful. Sad. Boring. Fun. Lonely. Eh. I missed working but I miss my daughter even more. I have a hard time concentrating because I'm wondering what she is up to and how she is doing. This leads me to call my mother and in home sitter quite often. But she does fantastic and I love seeing her smile when I wake in the door. Makes my day much brighter. 

Laila went to bed last night at 8 pm and did not wake up till 4 am for a bottle. So, she slept 8 straight hours. This was heaven!!!! After her bottle, she slept till 7:30 and we were then both up for the day. I forgot what it was like to sleep 7 straight hours. {Yes I went to bed at 9pm on a Saturday, L and I actually feel asleep on the couch together.}

Our water heater keeps turning off. Bummer. We called our landlord about it a couple days ago and he never called us back. At 4 am when I made a bottle for Laila, all we had was ice cold water. Not cool. So, Justin called our landlord again. No answer. But he called us back within a few minutes. They came over a couple hours ago and replaced the piece of junk. Hopefully, this means our hot water will last longer than 5 minutes. :]

On that note, I'm going to go shower.

oh my gawddd

I've been working on getting Laila to latch back onto my boob. Most days she just SCREAMS bloody murder when I even put the nipple near her mouth.

BUT today was different.

She latched on and did 5 sucks!!!

I was so happy I almost wanted to cry.

Yay for progress!!

rawr.

I haven't blogged in forever. Couple days at least. I've just been busy.

I started work. :[

40 freaking hours. 8 hours a day.

Up at 5. Home at 3:30.

I've been tired. Drained. Worn out.

Luckily, Laila decided to start sleeping for 5 hours straight at night and then another 4.

This makes me very happy. But I still feel tired.

The process of relactating has been hard but so worth it.

No, I don't have a full supply, yet. But I've started taking Fenugreek and am waiting on my prescription of Domperidone.

In addition to that, I'm pumping every 2 hours. Which is EXHAUSTING.

But it's nice to get a 15 minute break every 2 hours at work. Although, I feel weird pumping at work.

Oh well, got to do what ya got to do.

Justin and I are about to watch Avatar so I must get off. 

Re-lactating

Breastfeeding was a challenge for Laila and I.

She rejected my left boob and then my right.

My supply was tanking.

I didn't feel the bonding experience that I expected.

It was hard.

And tiring...

But SO much easier than formula feeding.

I miss the simplicity of breastfeeding.

No washing bottles constantly.

No preperation.

All I had to do was whip it out, haha.

I just don't feel right giving my daughter formula. AT ALL.

I tell others not to beat themselves up about giving their child formula.

Yet, here I am, giving myself such a hard time.

I was meant to breastfeed. I KNOW IT.

I CANNOT give up. (Even though it's been about a month)

So..I've decided to try and re-lactate.

It's going to be HARDER than breastfeeding was in the beginning.

But I WON'T give up.

Call me crazy.

WHINE.

I go back to work in just a couple days. January 24th to be exact.
I'm terrified of this day and wish I could prolong it.

But I can't.

I have to face the fact that I can't be a stay at home mama. :[
Which breaks my heart.
I never thought that I would want to stay home all day long.

But I do.

I want to stay home with my beauty. I don't want to leave her :[

CRAP.

{Photo Dump}

More photo's from Laila's photo shoot done by {shutter}mama

You can see the other ones here

isn't she awesome.

i think so.

Depression.

Depression sucks. I've been there, done that. For years and years. Most of my teenage life, actually. I think it started around age 13 or 14.

I lost interest in friends. I didn't enjoy seeing them. I didn't want to go out with them. I wanted nothing to do with them. I didn't enjoy my passions. I even forgot what they were. They were non exsistant. I didn't pay attention during school. I wound up getting horrible grades and not even caring. I'd go home and sleep. For hours. I wouldn't eat. But, I secretly enjoyed that. I loved having an empty stomach. Feeling thin and so lite. And I secretly enjoyed staring at the bones protruding from my body. 

My depression got SO bad, to the point where my thoughts were being taken over by suicidal thoughts. Sharp objects soon became my best friend. Alcohol was amazing. Nothing mattered to me but those three things. Those three things were now my life. Nothing else mattered. 

Everyone became concerned. Parents, family members, teachers, friends. Anyone. Eventually the cops got involved. No one could deal with me anymore, no one knew what to do. Eventually, I was taken to Rogers and put in the inpatient program. I spent 2 weeks there and was released. Only to arrive 2 days later for attempting suicide. I spent another 2 weeks there and was released again. This time feeling like a different person. A better person. Someone completely knew. Almost.

Things were great for a while. But, eventually I went back to my old ways. And this time I was sent to Winnebago Mental Health Institute in an ambulance. I was monitored closely. Wasn't allowed to have any of my own personal belongs. No shoe ties. Wasn't allowed to use the bathroom after I ate. It was hectic there. And I spent 6 whole months recovering, learning new coping methods. Healing. Learning to love myself.

I was prescribed many anti-depressants while I was there. Some worked, but many didn't. The side effects and constant switching made me feel like shit. Eventually, I found "the one." The one that made everything better. I felt happy...alive. I felt like a normal person.

But deep down, I hated taking medication. Despised it. I wanted to deal with my emotions on my own. I didn't want medication to make me happy. To make the pain go away. Why couldn't I do it on my own? But I couldn't. The suicidal thoughts never stopped, the cutting never stopped. The rebellion never stopped. The horrible feelings never stopped. Unless, I was on medication, of course. I needed the anti-depressants.

Years went by and eventually I didn't need the medication. I had no suicidal thoughts, no cutting, I continued to eat...some days (I still struggle with this) I was HAPPY. I felt FREE. I felt ALIVE.

And here I am today, still ALIVE.

But what hurts me, is the fact that I am back on anti-depressants.

Photo Shoot

Laila had a photo shoot with {shutter}mama a few days ago. I've known this girl since high school and she's freaking amazing. Not to mention, her daughter just melts my heart. So precious.

I love my sweetheart. Words won't ever be able to describe just how much.

She is my world.

Thank You, Sonya!!!

my heart broke a little...

...while I was wondering through Target with Hannah and saw all the bikinis on display. I'm devastated that I won't be wearing one this summer. Heck, maybe I won't even be wearing one in 2012. But, I'm even more devastated because that means I'll be too self conscious to take Laila swimming. I don't want her to miss out on the fun summer adventures because of my self consciousness. 

But, have I done anything to get that SEXY body?! Hecckkssss NOOOO. 

Fussy, Crying, Screaming. Growth Spurt?

I'd be lying if I said the last couple days have been easy. Instead, they have been far from easy. Laila has been really difficult to handle. She's been crying and screaming like never before. And I just don't know how to deal with it. She doesn't anything that she normally wants and she seems to always be hungry. Is this the 6 week growth spurt that I've heard so much about? 

Some days, I don't know what to do. I'm here all alone while Justin works and at times, I find it being too much for me. Some days, I just need a break. Which I feel like I never get. I want to cry some days because I'm lonely and overwhelmed. 

I love L but the past couple days have been so hard on me. It's sad and upsetting and I feel embarrassed. I feel like a bad mom at times for not knowing what to do.

I am really hoping that this is just her 6 week growth spurt and in a few days it will pass. But in the mean time, please pray. 

30 Days of Truth: Day 11

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on

I wish I could say I am most complimented on my super hot bod (just by Justin, of course) No way, though. I'm still covered in stretchies with the flabby skin. Shucks. 

But, I guess I would say I am most complimented on my eyes... or my smile. Which I am completely fine with because I agree. I love my smile and I love my eyes. I do wish I had whiter teeth and didn't hide behind so much eyeliner. Maybe I'll fix that.

Day 1. Something you hate about yourself.

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

30 Days of Truth: Day 10

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Back in December 2007, I took a trip out to Florida for my sister’s wedding. This was also going to be the first time that I would meet my biological mother. I hadn’t seen her since I was a baby so I don’t remember anything about her. I was nervous, happy and so excited to finally meet her. I made up an image of what she would look like. How she would act. I thought she was going to be perfect.

But when the time came to actual meet her, my stomach sunk and my heart just ached. I felt like I was going to be sick. I didn’t want to meet her anymore. I wanted nothing to do with her. I had a MOTHER, who adopted me when I was 5. I felt like there was no reason for me to know anything about you.

It was too late to turn back, though. I saw her standing there, with a guy. She looked nothing like I had pictured and acted completely different. She wore clothes that looked to be two sizes too small, a tight shirt and a short skirt. She looked nothing like me. She had red hair and freckles covering 85 % of her body. I have freckles covering maybe 2 % of my body with brown hair; I look exactly like my biological father.

She didn’t act her age. Instead, she acted like she was a teenager all over again. And the guy she was with was her husband. My first thought was “What a creep.” He was very touchy feely. I didn’t like him at all.

At the end, I wish I had never met her. And that may seem harsh but I preferred the image I had created over years and years of my life. Reality sucked at that point.

She’s tried to contact me. Especially when she found out that I was pregnant. She told me she would do everything to help me and the baby. I didn’t want her help nor did I need it. So I never responded. She then e-mailed my sister, Leah, on Facebook. She was yelling at her, telling her to leave me alone, to let me make my own decisions. She said some pretty awful and rude things. That was the last time I spoke to her and will ever speak to my biological mother.

I wish I didn’t know my biological mother.

Day 1. Something you hate about yourself.

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

It's about time.

It's been a rough day in this house since 7 am. Laila spend most of the morning crying and everything Justin and I did to calm her down didn't work. The only time she would stop crying was when she would take a nap or eat. She doesn't want to be held, swaddled, rocked, bounced, sshh'd. She didn't want to be on her play mat or her swing. The ONLY thing that kept her from crying, was eating. So it's been a rough morning in this house and now Justin and I are completely exhausted and worn out. 

I gave her an ounce of formula (after eating 4 oz just 45 minutes before) changed her diaper and laid her down with her soothe&glow seahorse. Within a couple minutes, she was falling asleep and is STILL asleep.

Why we didn't try and give her that earlier?! I have no idea. She loves her seahorse and it's helped numerous times but Justin and I just completely forgot about it. 

I just hate when she cries and nothing that either of us do calm her down. It makes me feel like a horrible mother.

And some more AWESOME NEWS!

I'm getting a DSLR and am super stocked about it. 

I've decided to get the Canon Rebel XSi with OUT the kit lens.

With the Canon 50mm f/1.8 lens.

I can't wait to dillydally around and learn all I can.

Photography Jealousy

Yes, that's right.

I am jealous of everyone who has fancy pictures up on their blogs while mine are all taken from my CAMERA PHONE ! Haha

And to be honest, ever since my sister became a photographer, I've been super jealous.

She takes amazing photos. 

I'm completely jealous. 

So now I'm thinking about spending the money and getting myself a fancy dslr. 

And a photo editing program. 

Any recommendations ladies?!

1 Month Check-up

Laila had her 1 month check up today!
Weight: 9 lbs 7 oz
Length: 21 inches

What she does:
She has been cooing like CRAZY lately.
It's freaking awesome.
She smiles, A LOT...the real smiles, not the gas smiles.
She focuses and follows objects.
She knows my voice along with her daddy's.
She is in size 1 diapers.
Mostly wears 0-3 clothes with the occasional newborn outfit.


She also slept for FIVE straight hours last night. That was HEAVEN for me.
Is this the beginning of something?! 

January 5th & 6th

January 5th, 2011 - Laila went to the mall for the first time. Even was able to use her stroller that goes along her car seat. Definitely glad I decided on getting a travel system. Of course, she didn't care. Instead, she does what she is best at...sleeping! She did decide to wake up while my aunt and I were eating at Applebees. Luckily, my aunt finished eating and took over so I could eat my food. AND THEN, Laila decided she didn't want ANYTHING. All she wanted to do was scream her head off. Nothing was calming her down, I felt so bad. I hate when she cries and I can't calm her down. I hate when she doesn't even want me or anybody or anything. But after about 5 minutes, she was completely out. I think she was still tired but wasn't letting herself stay awake. Resulting in cranky, screaming baby. And that's her knew thing...fighting sleep. So night time has become very difficult because that's her crankiest time. Especially after bath time. She gets too relaxed and once taken out of the water she gets cold and cranky. She is still amazing though.

I ordered Laila an awesome playmat from Walmart a couple days ago. So, I was so excited to finally go pick it up and take it home. I hoped that she would love it because lately she loves to hangout on her back while toys are dangled in front of her face. That got old real quick because my arms were getting sore.

 It sure looks like she enjoys it :]

That night, while I was taking stuff out of my car, I injured my knee. I knelt down, or at least was in the process, and all of a sudden my whole knee shifted to the left. I screamed in pain and bawled my eyes out. I sat there for a couple minutes because I couldn't move my leg. Pain was radiating through out my leg :[ I took Laila into the house along with the items I had bought and just sat there. Walking hurt too much. I didn't go to the doctor. I dealt with the pain and just slept it off. 

January 6, 2011 - So much for sleeping off the pain. Laila would wake up in the middle of the night to eat and I had such an incredibly difficult time getting out of bed. I could barely move my leg and I whimpered in pain every time I had to walk. That morning I had decided it was time to take a trip to the doctors office. I called up my aunt to see if she was able to drive Laila and I. So glad she works from home. Turns out I tore the cartilage in my knee. Now I'm stuck wearing a brace for the next couple days/weeks or until it's healed. If it doesn't improve I have to get an MRI. Just picture my gimping around with a sexy knee brace. Ahaha. 

Besides that, I got to baby sit my neighbor, Jasmine. She's such a doll and fun to be around. She pulled out every single one of Laila's toys and put them all away. She kind of held Laila but quickly decided that she was too heavy. It was adorable.

I can't wait for Laila to start talking, crawling, walking, chewing on her feet. AH! It excites me.

Oh, and I guess I have mommy brain because the other day I put on two different clogs and didn't realize it until a couple hours later.

That's all for now. 

Justin and I are about to make dinner and watch a movie.

Lately.

So, I haven't blogged in over a week. We've just been a little busy over here. 

Laila and I started 2011 off with some snuggle time on the couch with a couple movies. 

Justin and I started 2011 off with a HUGE fight. I was ready to walk out the door and take care of Laila on my own.

Am I taking care of her own my own, though? 

Of course not. 

We've discussed what we BOTH need to work on. 

Alone and as a couple. 

We have also tackled A TON of much needed cleaning our house has been dying for. 

Kitchen, master bedroom, master closet, Laila's room. Next is the bathroom. Gross.

That is one room I wish could be skipped. 

My brother, Aaron, also turned 11 on January 2nd. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

We've also had family functions to attend. 

Other than that, relaxing. 

Soaking everything up. 

Trying to spend family time together. 

Speaking of family time, Justin has been doing much better. 

He's been helping me out A TON lately. I was even able to sleep in till 11:30 on Sunday while he hung out with Laila. 

THAT FELT AMAZING!!!