Mar 20, 2010

Total Randomness.

Where did the snow come from? Seriously, I was getting so use to this warm weather with the sun shining, windows wide open, and spending lots of time outside. Instead, this morning I woke up to snow on the ground. Definitely not my favorite. I'm hoping and praying that this is the last of the snow. I'm ready to plant some flowers!! :]

I recently found out my sister, Leah is getting a divorce after being married to her husband, Eric for two years. This really crushed me. I knew nothing of their problems they were having, probably because I haven't visited since they got married. Which now, I totally regret. I should have visited. Could I possibly have prevented this? Probably not, but I can't help but think and wonder. I love both Leah and Eric dearly and I want them to work it out, but according to Eric, she does not want to go to counseling or put forth the effort to fix anything. I never thought this was going to be possible for the two of them. I thought they were happy, but again, I know nothing since I haven't visited in a while. Oh, but they did come to Wisconsin last Christmas.

I rarely ever get to see my sister. Growing up, I didn't have her in my life. Maybe if my biological mother and father decided to keep my sister, myself, and our two brothers, things would have been different. See, we were all born in Florida, but one day my dad took us all to Wisconsin because they could no longer take care of us and give us what we needed. Soon after that, I was placed into foster care. I was filthy, I had no shoes and I was hungry. By the time I was five, I was living with Sally and Clint, who adopted me when I was seven, and honestly, I couldn't be more happy to have them as my mother and father. Trust me, I use to hate the fact that I was adopted, the fact that my own mother and father couldn't take of me or my siblings. I was a wreck growing up, always getting in trouble, rebelling, hurting myself, simply not wanting to live my life anymore. I was so hurt and so ashamed of who I was. I didn't want to go on.

I had no memories of my childhood with my biological mother and father, simply just a letter my biological father wrote to me. He told me he missed me and he loved me. I lost that letter, I lost the only thing I had from my biological father. Then, he died. I don't know how, I don't know when, all I know is that it was about ten years ago. All I know, is that he didn't get to watch me grow up, he won't be there for me when I get married or have children :[ What I do know, is that I was given a second chance. My mother and father wanted what was best for us, someone to love us and be there for us NO MATTER WHAT. That's exactly what I got, I got Sally and Clint, who stood by my side and loved me NO MATTER WHAT when I screamed and them and told them I hated them, who wouldn't watch me try and take away my life. They fought for me, and fought HARD, they weren't giving up on me, and that's exactly what I needed. I was blessed. I AM BLESSED! I wouldn't want my life any other way. God has done good with me :] And if my past hadn't happened, who knows, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing this, or I wouldn't be with the love of my life, Justin. I believe everything happens for a reason.

Anyways, my sister is a photographer and an AMAZING photographer. I was looking at her blog today and she recently posted this - Sometimes when I get really stressed out I turn on my photo booth and sit there and make faces. Now, I will say, I HATE pictures of myself, I would rather be behind the camera but let me tell you, this is a good stress reliever. I can laugh at myself, I can poke fun of myself and I am comfortable with myself. There are 3 different days here when I was feeling a little (or maybe a lot) stressed. We got a day when I actually got dressed, did my hair and makeup, others when I definitely just look like I rolled out of bed with no makeup on. One of the things I am proud about is that I am comfortable with myself. I hope the fact that I am at ease with myself only translates to my clients. So, please, look at these silly images and imagine if I can do this in front of a camera sans makeup, how gorgeous you’re going to be when you come in for your boudoir session. Your beauty is within, once you grab onto that everything else is pretty easy.

My beautiful sister, Leah Marie.
I wish this is how I could feel about myself. Comfortable with myself in my skin, but I can't. I just can't. I definitely do wish I could though. Maybe, for now on I will try a little harder.

Guess I should go.

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