Mar 22, 2011

One Year Ago

One year ago, Justin and I found out we were expecting.

I remember being in the work bathroom, washing my hands while waiting for the test to give an answer. I was nervous, I had this overpowering feeling of being overwhelmed. I was dizzy, nauseated, shaky. A complete mess. While washing my hands, I would look over ever few seconds to see the little hour glass turn upside down and then upside down again...waiting and waiting and..waiting. I continued to wash my hands {I found the warmth to relax me} and took another look and there it was "Pregnant" I turned away, maybe I thought I saw Pregnant when really it was Not Pregnant. Turned back to take another look, picked it up and held it and sure definitely said Pregnant.

I was beyond scared. I honestly had no idea how to tell Justin. I just wanted to sob.

When I got home I called up the Blood Center to cancel my appointment. Turns out you can't donate blood when you're pregnant.

The whole time I was waiting for Justin to show up, was like a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. I just wanted to skip the part of telling him. I let him mess around with his car when clearly he could sense something was off..

I couldn't say it. I couldn't say I'm Pregnant. When I tried nothing came out.

He eventually just started throwing ideas out there and then finally asked if I was pregnant. When I shook my head "yes" he put his tools down and came and sat right next to me.

He took the news better than I did and even procedded to tell me how excited he was. And there I was, a complete sobbing mess. I already felt like a horrible mother for not being excited to be blessed with such an amazing gift.

But, that wasn't it. I wasn't upset because God gave me a beautiful baby. I was upset because I always thought that when the time came to having children, Justin and I would be jumping with joy just talking about stopping bc and planning everything out. And the fact that I found out I was pregnant at 19 also hurt a bit. I didn't wanted to be stereotyped as a "Teenage Mom" because that's not what I considered myself.

9 months passed and my beautiful daughter was born. Every concern just faded away and I didn't give a crap about what people thought of me. I was a mom. Whether people liked it or not.

My daughter is now almost 4 months old and she is beyond precious. She has the most beautiful soul ever. Her smiles bring me more joy and delight than Dove Chocolate I could have EVER imagined!

Here is to you Laila Rayne Martin! My sweet sweet Baby.

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living my baby you'll be

Love You Forever

4 lovely comments:

Etosia (e-tasha) said...

Finding out for us was kinda the same too! It was so hard to tell Jake! I love that book! I read it to Rylin while I was prego and that's why I used it as my blog title! It always makes me cry! And I have never viewed you as a teen mom! Your an awesome mom and more mature than most older moms that I know!!!

Short Leg Lucy said...

I read this and related ALL TOO WELL! But, you're right! We're kick ass mommas! And we're doing amazing and we have BEAUTFUL children! Love you Jess!

Wojtalewicz/Gierach Family said...

Aw this was a Beautiful Post. Your a great momma and i cant believe it was a year ago time does fly by way to fast. Love you girl!

Laura Lovely said...

aww this is so sweet! :) I love you!