All About Laila: 1 month

Things I’ve learned about Laila in the past 4 weeks

*She is a loud sleeper so don’t get out of bed every time she makes a noise. I’ve learned the hard way. Every sound, I would pick her up and that woke her up. Leaving me with a tired and cranky baby. 

*Bibs and burp cloths are a necessity, she’s a messy eater.  

*She can sleep through the noise at Starbucks perfectly. My aunt and I have started going to Starbucks every Thursday to relax on the comfy chairs and have some comfy. Couple minutes later and Laila is sound asleep. She loves that place. 

*She enjoys bath time. This worried me because she HATED sponge baths. So, I became terrified that she wouldn’t enjoy taking a bath with Justin or I. Turns out I was wrong. She loves it. And not only is it relaxing for her, it’s relaxing for Justin and I as well and it’s a great way for us to bond with her.

*She loves the sound of running water, the bathroom fan and “shhh”

*She hates tummy time while on the floor but will do a fantastic joy while lying on someone’s chest.

* Her face turns BRIGHT red when she’s trying to poop. She’ll usually let you know she’s all done when she starts crying because she doesn’t want to deal with the smell. Ahaha.

*If she starts to fuss within a couple minutes of laying her in her pnp she is not ready for bed. 

*She hates diaper changes. It does not matter if the wipes are warm or cold, she just hates it. 

*When she gets hiccups, you better have the gripe water ready. It works 80% of the time. Otherwise, she just cries and cries. 

*She smiles all the time. Even when she’s farting.

*She chews on her hands now. She used to only do this when she was hungry. Now she does it for fun. 

*She prefers Justin to put her to bed. Which I don’t mind at all, I actually love this. 

*She is not a fan of diaper changes. And it doesn’t matter if the wipes are warm or cold.

*She isn’t a big fan of being swaddled. Sometimes, she just cries more and more if you do swaddle her. At times she doesn’t mind, though. 

*She’s becoming more vocal besides crying. 

*She loves her mam pacifier. 

*She prefers to sleep next to Justin or I in bed rather than all alone in her pnp. I love this as well. 

*She enjoys staring at lights or anything bright. It’ll help calm her down. 

*Never rush to change her poppy diaper. Sometimes, she is finished doing her business and now you have 2 wasted diapers instead of 1. Wasting diapers is a NO-NO!

*She hates being buckled into her car seat but once you pick her up, she calms down...most of the time.

*She hates being in rooms all by herself. She needs to know that you're there with her.  

I don't know if you can tell BUT she has her pointer finger up for "one" :]

 

Post Body

It’s been 4 weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Laila. I should be happy for myself AND my body for creating such a beautiful life and yet, I am not. Instead, I find myself hating the image I have to look at daily in the mirror. It shows what I am now.  Saggy skin and stretch marks. FATNESS.

But now, I have more important things to worry about besides the size of my belly, boobs or ass. And yet, the thoughts take hold every time I look down at myself or look in a mirror. How can I be so hard on myself when it took my body 9 whole months to become this way? Shouldn’t I relax and give myself even LONGER to let my body bounce back to what it used to be? I should, but I don’t. I dread just the thought of Justin seeing me naked. I’ve lost all confidence.

I’ve been told my others mothers that my body will not sag forever. That one day, it will get better. That the stretch marks will fade and my skin will regain its elasticity. But, I don’t believe them. I think they lie. Throughout my whole pregnancy, I thought maybe I would be lucky, that my body will “bounce back” with the snap of a finger. I’m guessing that idea came from all the celebrities who somehow look AMAZING after giving birth. 

Reality sucks monkey balls.

I hate admitting all of this. I sound selfish and ungrateful. I absolutely am in love with my daughter and am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. But I hate that I had to give up my “already hated body” to just deal with an uglier version of it. Can you tell I have body issues? I love my daughter but hate what happened to my body. 

Maybe…just maybe, I’ll come to realize that my body isn’t THAT important. Maybe, I will become one of those mothers who adore their stretch marks and sagging belly. Maybe, one day, my body will go back to the way it used to be.  

Maybe, one day, I will stop hating my body. I’ll look in the mirror and love what I see.

One day. Only time can tell.

 

Justin, Myself and Laila

 

I'm not ready for 2010 to be over. I don't know why. It's just went way too quick. Was I even there? 

Things have been getting better with Justin and I. He knows how I feel and understands that I need help with Laila and around the house. That I can't do it all on my own. 

I hate needing help, though. 

Anyways...moving on.

Yesterday, Laila wore her first 0-3 month outfit.

And today she is 4 weeks! 

Oops, have to go. My honey bun just woke up and I'm sure she is starving!

Merry Merry Merry

I sure hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! 

Now onto 2011

Time sure flies!

Relationship

Justin is a great father and an amazing boyfriend.

*Please forgive me* But some days, I don't feel that "spark" that use to be there. And deep down, I'm just having a hard time dealing with not feeling the same way I use to towards him. My priorities have changed and I feel like it's all about Laila now.

Not to mention the stress, lack of sleep, hormones and everything else that comes with having a baby. It's a lot of work! 

*Please forgive me, again* And some days, I feel like a single mother. I feel like I've taken on all the parenting duties, alone. I feed her, I burp her, I change her, I bathe her, I play with her, I sing to her, I put her to bed, I wake up in the middle of the night...
 

Yes, Justin does some of these things as well but most of the time I feel like I have to ask for his help. I feel like I am constantly nagging him.. And then constantly trying to control things when he does help. That is something that I have to change in order for things to get better.

I'm wholeheartedly expecting this to change over time. That that amazing spark will come back. But for now, I feel like I've failed him as a girlfriend.

I feel like I've failed myself.

New Stuff!

Since Laila is sound asleep on my lap, I took the time to work on a new look.

I just wasn't happy with my old one.

Took forever, so worth it though.
 

For your viewing pleasure.
 

Cranky Laila right before she decided it was time for her nap.

And I have a new button. 

Made by the beautiful, {shutter}mama

30 Days..Slacking

I've been a slacker. Sorry! But, life is busy...and I completely forgot about it. 

Anyways, 

Day 9. Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted. 

Not sure if this one counts because we reconnected after we drifted apart. But he sure is more than special to me :] 

Justin and I were close. Very close. We weren't dating, just friends. But I knew in my heart that I wanted him to be mine. I didn't know if he wanted the same thing, though. 

We spent all of our time together. Every moment that we could. I always waited to see his smile. Then one day, it all ended. I didn't hear from him and he didn't hear from me. 

More days past and we still had not spoken or seen each other. I was beyond devastated and heart broken.

Days, weeks, months went by. People continued to ask "Where's Justin?" Every time I heard that, I cried. 

Here I was, completely fallen for this guy, that just up and left

With him out of my life, I was a mess. I started drinking hardcore and smoking marijuana. I stayed out late and hung out with the wrong crowd. 

I didn't want to feel pain. I didn't want to have to deal with my emotions from Justin leaving. I tried to block it out as much as possible. 

Nothing helped. 

But one night, he decided to call me. I didn't recognize the number because I had decided to delete it...

He apologized but I didn't care. I didn't want to talk to him. Maybe it was because I was drunk. I didn't even know how to get a sentence out to him. All I did was cry. He didn't understand. 

Men. 

He told me he loved me. Yes, the very first time he told me he loved me, I was a HUGE mess and didn't even tell him back. 

After that day, we had decided to spend some time together. 

I was with him for a couple hours when I just had to leave. It hurt too much to be in the same room with him. 

I just wasn't ready. Too many emotions hit me like a wave. So, I left and didn't know if I would ever see him again. 

But, of course I did. After that night. I just needed to see him. Couple days later, we spent time together. 

Oh, how I missed him. 

And here we are 3 years later. Completely in love.

Day 1. Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself. 

Titanic

Laila and I are currently snuggled on the couch watching Titanic. 

This movie makes me cry uncontrollably. 

Ah, LOVE. 

Not to mention, this song makes my heart melt.

My Heart Will Go On

By Celine Dion

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Rough Times.

I sit here...and cry.

I'm exhausted.

I'm hungry. 

I'm in pain.

I'm lonely. 

I feel like a horrible mother at times. 

My hormones are bouncing of the wall.

Sometimes, I think I'm not cut out for this. 

That Laila deserves a better mother. 

What's wrong with me?! 

Not to mention...

I have so much guilt right now. 

Laila is officially on formula. 

My supply tanked and she started rejected my right boob as well.

Am I not good enough?! 

I know over time, things will get better. 

And I do believe that. 

I have the best daughter. My heart melts when I look into her eyes.

I've loved her since the moment I saw the words "Pregnant"

And although being a mother is challenging, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I want my beautiful daughter, fussiness and all. 

Just send some prayers. 

Thanks. :]

Breastfeeding...

...is hard stuff and I've definitely been struggling since day 1.

I didn't expect...

*all the pain and soreness. My nipples were SO freaking red and cracked. All I wanted to do was cry when Laila latched on.

*Laila to have latching problems with my left boob. She hates me left boob, hates it. She officially won't take it (although I still offer it) leaving me to pump and store my breast milk.

*Constantly being attached. I swear, this girl can eat. I feel like she lives on my boob. It's crazyness. Sometimes, I just want a break.
 

*I feel like all she sees me as is "food" and I want so much more than that.
 

I guess there is a lot that I expected and then a lot that I didn't expect. I wanted to be very prepared for this and now I feel like I know nothing about breastfeeding. It's just SO different that what I expected and most days I struggle. And sometimes, Laila can be a fussy eater, causing me to just cry. But maybe it's the pp hormones.
 

I hope this gets better. 

Laila is hungry. Gottaaa go! 

Pictures!

 Being a mom, is by far, one of the greatest feelings that I've ever felt.

 She was trying to poop. I just adore her facial expressions.

 

 Fatherly love makes my heart melt.

Feeding one morning, girls gotta eat.

Finally going home.

SHE'S HERE!! Labor & Delivery

My due date was quickly approaching and every time I went into the doctors office I was told the same thing, "you're still not dilated." I was thinking that I was never going to have this baby. She just didn't want to come out. But when I went in for my appointment on Monday November 29th my blood pressure was high once again (140 something/96) Laila was still doing awesome in my belly! When it was time to see my Dr. she just kind of looked at me and asked if I wanted to try the induction again. This time with only 3 doses of cytotec and then pitocin. IF neither of those worked, then it was a c-section. I said OK. I just wanted Laila out and I was desperately hoping that this time she would be make her lovely entrance into the world.

I left my appointment to head home and pack our bags. I called Justin who was at work and told him to just meet me at the hospital when he was finished. I didn't want him to leave work and waste his sick time when I could just go in by myself while they start the process. Plus he only had a couple hours of work left. No harm. 

I arrived around the hospital around 2 (took my time once again) checked in and was taken up to my room. The SAME room that I was in for my first induction. I was hoping that didn't mean I would have the same outcome. This time I WAS leaving with an outside baby. No doubt about that. 

Once in my room my awesome nurse Doreen got me settled and changed into a gown. She called in lab for when my IV was put in. My IV insertion didn't go the greatest though. Doreen couldn't find the correct spot in my vein. So, after two tries, the IV was inserted into my arm rather than my hand. Which I actually preferred. I hated having the IV in my hand. It was painful and every time I moved my hand, I would cringe. Arm, not at all. Much better!

Once placed, I was given my fluids and by the time it was 3 I was given my first dose of Cytotec. Justin showed up and brought the rest of the items in from my car. Hospital beds can be so much more comfortable with your own pillow and blanket. Once I was able to get up, Justin and I did some walking and playing with a puzzle. 

By the time it was 6, it was time for my next dose. Justin and I relaxed until my next dose at 9. 

My first 2 doses didn't dilate me but they did give me some contractions. Nothing that was painful. But my dose at 9, really started hitting me hard. Justin and I tried to sleep. We both didn't get any sleep. It was around 10:15 when the contractions because freaking painful. There was nothing I could do about it though. I couldn't get the epidural until later on, so my whole body would curl in a ball and shake through each contraction. I was miserable. I sent Justin home at some point because he was starving. I just made him promise to be back my 1 am because that is when I was suppose to start the Pitocin.

Justin came back and my nurse came in around 1 am (November 30th) I asked to get SOMETHING, anything, for some relief. She called Dr. Jayne and asked what would be best to give me. They decided on Stadol through the IV as well as in the butt. The IV was given first and the side effects starting taking effect. I became loopy, cotton mouthed, weak, giggly, the slightest touch made me jump, I was super paranoid. I felt like I was high. Both Shelly and Justin couldn't stop laughing. Even I was laughing at myself. 

Thankfully, the medicine actually helped and I couldn't feel any of my contractions. Justin and I were able to sleep but after 2 hours I awoke to even worse pain!  I called my nurse back in and begged for the epidural. She agreed and called Wendy, the anesthesiologist. The actual procedure wasn't as painful as I thought that it would be. Although, since I was extremely jumpy from the Stadol, I made a huge movement at the moment that I was NOT suppose to. Luckily, nothing was damaged and everything went extremely well. All I had to do was wait for it to kick it. One thing I did learn was that the epidural was actually two parts. So I was still able to walk around for at least the first 1 or 2. I decided not to and Justin and I hit the beds, once again. 

After the epidural I was given Pitocin that was suppose to be administered at 1 am but got delayed so I could relax and get some sleep with the Stadol. 

Then, 5:35 am I wake up starting to feel my contractions once again. They weren't too painful and I could breathe through them. Then all of a sudden, my water broke in bed! Weirdest feeling EVER!!! I really can't even describe WHAT it felt like. I yelled for my nurse, no answer. Woke Justin up and told him to get Shelly and she confirmed that my water had, in fact, broken!! 

The timing of the rest is pretty blurry since I was all drugged up. I remember getting checked at one point and being 4 cm and then all of the sudden I was 8 cm and her head was LOW! 

I remember being in an incredible amount of pain from the contractions. Not to mention there was so much pressure, I thought I was going to push her out right then and there, which scared the crap out of me because I never received the rest of the epidural. I wanted to puke, all my body would do was shake while I cried and begged for it to go away. 

When I was checked again I was ready to go, she was coming out any minute. Her head was right there. You could see a little amount of it showing. Dr. Jayne was quickly called in while they got the room ready for Laila's arrival.

I asked Katie if she could grab a mirror because everyone seemed so amazed that she was RIGHT there without them or me, needing to do anything. Sure enough, there was her head and I wasn't even pushing. Seeing it just gave me even more motivation but I quickly asked for the mirror to leave the room because I did not want to see my lady bits get completely slaughtered, for what I knew was coming. 

Time to push, Katie and I held one leg while Justin held the other. I gave it everything I had and pushed with all my might! Justin was amazing during this part. He was so encouraging and definitely helped me get through. I moaned and groaned because I could feel my doctor stretching me out so I wouldn't tear or need an episiotomy. But I kept going. And then she was out!!! 

After only 11 minutes of pushing, our daughter, Laila Rayne Martin was born on 11/30/10 at 8:33 am weighing 7 lbs 6 oz 19.5 inches long. 

I bawled my heart out and longed to have her on my chest, to hear her scream and wiggle around. I needed her. I wanted her. She is mine and Justin's. We're completely smitten :]