All About Laila: 1 month

Things I’ve learned about Laila in the past 4 weeks

*She is a loud sleeper so don’t get out of bed every time she makes a noise. I’ve learned the hard way. Every sound, I would pick her up and that woke her up. Leaving me with a tired and cranky baby. 

*Bibs and burp cloths are a necessity, she’s a messy eater.  

*She can sleep through the noise at Starbucks perfectly. My aunt and I have started going to Starbucks every Thursday to relax on the comfy chairs and have some comfy. Couple minutes later and Laila is sound asleep. She loves that place. 

*She enjoys bath time. This worried me because she HATED sponge baths. So, I became terrified that she wouldn’t enjoy taking a bath with Justin or I. Turns out I was wrong. She loves it. And not only is it relaxing for her, it’s relaxing for Justin and I as well and it’s a great way for us to bond with her.

*She loves the sound of running water, the bathroom fan and “shhh”

*She hates tummy time while on the floor but will do a fantastic joy while lying on someone’s chest.

* Her face turns BRIGHT red when she’s trying to poop. She’ll usually let you know she’s all done when she starts crying because she doesn’t want to deal with the smell. Ahaha.

*If she starts to fuss within a couple minutes of laying her in her pnp she is not ready for bed. 

*She hates diaper changes. It does not matter if the wipes are warm or cold, she just hates it. 

*When she gets hiccups, you better have the gripe water ready. It works 80% of the time. Otherwise, she just cries and cries. 

*She smiles all the time. Even when she’s farting.

*She chews on her hands now. She used to only do this when she was hungry. Now she does it for fun. 

*She prefers Justin to put her to bed. Which I don’t mind at all, I actually love this. 

*She is not a fan of diaper changes. And it doesn’t matter if the wipes are warm or cold.

*She isn’t a big fan of being swaddled. Sometimes, she just cries more and more if you do swaddle her. At times she doesn’t mind, though. 

*She’s becoming more vocal besides crying. 

*She loves her mam pacifier. 

*She prefers to sleep next to Justin or I in bed rather than all alone in her pnp. I love this as well. 

*She enjoys staring at lights or anything bright. It’ll help calm her down. 

*Never rush to change her poppy diaper. Sometimes, she is finished doing her business and now you have 2 wasted diapers instead of 1. Wasting diapers is a NO-NO!

*She hates being buckled into her car seat but once you pick her up, she calms down...most of the time.

*She hates being in rooms all by herself. She needs to know that you're there with her.  

I don't know if you can tell BUT she has her pointer finger up for "one" :]

 

Post Body

It’s been 4 weeks since I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Laila. I should be happy for myself AND my body for creating such a beautiful life and yet, I am not. Instead, I find myself hating the image I have to look at daily in the mirror. It shows what I am now.  Saggy skin and stretch marks. FATNESS.

But now, I have more important things to worry about besides the size of my belly, boobs or ass. And yet, the thoughts take hold every time I look down at myself or look in a mirror. How can I be so hard on myself when it took my body 9 whole months to become this way? Shouldn’t I relax and give myself even LONGER to let my body bounce back to what it used to be? I should, but I don’t. I dread just the thought of Justin seeing me naked. I’ve lost all confidence.

I’ve been told my others mothers that my body will not sag forever. That one day, it will get better. That the stretch marks will fade and my skin will regain its elasticity. But, I don’t believe them. I think they lie. Throughout my whole pregnancy, I thought maybe I would be lucky, that my body will “bounce back” with the snap of a finger. I’m guessing that idea came from all the celebrities who somehow look AMAZING after giving birth. 

Reality sucks monkey balls.

I hate admitting all of this. I sound selfish and ungrateful. I absolutely am in love with my daughter and am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. But I hate that I had to give up my “already hated body” to just deal with an uglier version of it. Can you tell I have body issues? I love my daughter but hate what happened to my body. 

Maybe…just maybe, I’ll come to realize that my body isn’t THAT important. Maybe, I will become one of those mothers who adore their stretch marks and sagging belly. Maybe, one day, my body will go back to the way it used to be.  

Maybe, one day, I will stop hating my body. I’ll look in the mirror and love what I see.

One day. Only time can tell.

 

Justin, Myself and Laila

 

I'm not ready for 2010 to be over. I don't know why. It's just went way too quick. Was I even there? 

Things have been getting better with Justin and I. He knows how I feel and understands that I need help with Laila and around the house. That I can't do it all on my own. 

I hate needing help, though. 

Anyways...moving on.

Yesterday, Laila wore her first 0-3 month outfit.

And today she is 4 weeks! 

Oops, have to go. My honey bun just woke up and I'm sure she is starving!

Merry Merry Merry

I sure hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! 

Now onto 2011

Time sure flies!

Relationship

Justin is a great father and an amazing boyfriend.

*Please forgive me* But some days, I don't feel that "spark" that use to be there. And deep down, I'm just having a hard time dealing with not feeling the same way I use to towards him. My priorities have changed and I feel like it's all about Laila now.

Not to mention the stress, lack of sleep, hormones and everything else that comes with having a baby. It's a lot of work! 

*Please forgive me, again* And some days, I feel like a single mother. I feel like I've taken on all the parenting duties, alone. I feed her, I burp her, I change her, I bathe her, I play with her, I sing to her, I put her to bed, I wake up in the middle of the night...
 

Yes, Justin does some of these things as well but most of the time I feel like I have to ask for his help. I feel like I am constantly nagging him.. And then constantly trying to control things when he does help. That is something that I have to change in order for things to get better.

I'm wholeheartedly expecting this to change over time. That that amazing spark will come back. But for now, I feel like I've failed him as a girlfriend.

I feel like I've failed myself.

New Stuff!

Since Laila is sound asleep on my lap, I took the time to work on a new look.

I just wasn't happy with my old one.

Took forever, so worth it though.
 

For your viewing pleasure.
 

Cranky Laila right before she decided it was time for her nap.

And I have a new button. 

Made by the beautiful, {shutter}mama

30 Days..Slacking

I've been a slacker. Sorry! But, life is busy...and I completely forgot about it. 

Anyways, 

Day 9. Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted. 

Not sure if this one counts because we reconnected after we drifted apart. But he sure is more than special to me :] 

Justin and I were close. Very close. We weren't dating, just friends. But I knew in my heart that I wanted him to be mine. I didn't know if he wanted the same thing, though. 

We spent all of our time together. Every moment that we could. I always waited to see his smile. Then one day, it all ended. I didn't hear from him and he didn't hear from me. 

More days past and we still had not spoken or seen each other. I was beyond devastated and heart broken.

Days, weeks, months went by. People continued to ask "Where's Justin?" Every time I heard that, I cried. 

Here I was, completely fallen for this guy, that just up and left

With him out of my life, I was a mess. I started drinking hardcore and smoking marijuana. I stayed out late and hung out with the wrong crowd. 

I didn't want to feel pain. I didn't want to have to deal with my emotions from Justin leaving. I tried to block it out as much as possible. 

Nothing helped. 

But one night, he decided to call me. I didn't recognize the number because I had decided to delete it...

He apologized but I didn't care. I didn't want to talk to him. Maybe it was because I was drunk. I didn't even know how to get a sentence out to him. All I did was cry. He didn't understand. 

Men. 

He told me he loved me. Yes, the very first time he told me he loved me, I was a HUGE mess and didn't even tell him back. 

After that day, we had decided to spend some time together. 

I was with him for a couple hours when I just had to leave. It hurt too much to be in the same room with him. 

I just wasn't ready. Too many emotions hit me like a wave. So, I left and didn't know if I would ever see him again. 

But, of course I did. After that night. I just needed to see him. Couple days later, we spent time together. 

Oh, how I missed him. 

And here we are 3 years later. Completely in love.

Day 1. Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself. 

Titanic

Laila and I are currently snuggled on the couch watching Titanic. 

This movie makes me cry uncontrollably. 

Ah, LOVE. 

Not to mention, this song makes my heart melt.

My Heart Will Go On

By Celine Dion

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Rough Times.

I sit here...and cry.

I'm exhausted.

I'm hungry. 

I'm in pain.

I'm lonely. 

I feel like a horrible mother at times. 

My hormones are bouncing of the wall.

Sometimes, I think I'm not cut out for this. 

That Laila deserves a better mother. 

What's wrong with me?! 

Not to mention...

I have so much guilt right now. 

Laila is officially on formula. 

My supply tanked and she started rejected my right boob as well.

Am I not good enough?! 

I know over time, things will get better. 

And I do believe that. 

I have the best daughter. My heart melts when I look into her eyes.

I've loved her since the moment I saw the words "Pregnant"

And although being a mother is challenging, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I want my beautiful daughter, fussiness and all. 

Just send some prayers. 

Thanks. :]

Breastfeeding...

...is hard stuff and I've definitely been struggling since day 1.

I didn't expect...

*all the pain and soreness. My nipples were SO freaking red and cracked. All I wanted to do was cry when Laila latched on.

*Laila to have latching problems with my left boob. She hates me left boob, hates it. She officially won't take it (although I still offer it) leaving me to pump and store my breast milk.

*Constantly being attached. I swear, this girl can eat. I feel like she lives on my boob. It's crazyness. Sometimes, I just want a break.
 

*I feel like all she sees me as is "food" and I want so much more than that.
 

I guess there is a lot that I expected and then a lot that I didn't expect. I wanted to be very prepared for this and now I feel like I know nothing about breastfeeding. It's just SO different that what I expected and most days I struggle. And sometimes, Laila can be a fussy eater, causing me to just cry. But maybe it's the pp hormones.
 

I hope this gets better. 

Laila is hungry. Gottaaa go! 

Pictures!

 Being a mom, is by far, one of the greatest feelings that I've ever felt.

 She was trying to poop. I just adore her facial expressions.

 

 Fatherly love makes my heart melt.

Feeding one morning, girls gotta eat.

Finally going home.

SHE'S HERE!! Labor & Delivery

My due date was quickly approaching and every time I went into the doctors office I was told the same thing, "you're still not dilated." I was thinking that I was never going to have this baby. She just didn't want to come out. But when I went in for my appointment on Monday November 29th my blood pressure was high once again (140 something/96) Laila was still doing awesome in my belly! When it was time to see my Dr. she just kind of looked at me and asked if I wanted to try the induction again. This time with only 3 doses of cytotec and then pitocin. IF neither of those worked, then it was a c-section. I said OK. I just wanted Laila out and I was desperately hoping that this time she would be make her lovely entrance into the world.

I left my appointment to head home and pack our bags. I called Justin who was at work and told him to just meet me at the hospital when he was finished. I didn't want him to leave work and waste his sick time when I could just go in by myself while they start the process. Plus he only had a couple hours of work left. No harm. 

I arrived around the hospital around 2 (took my time once again) checked in and was taken up to my room. The SAME room that I was in for my first induction. I was hoping that didn't mean I would have the same outcome. This time I WAS leaving with an outside baby. No doubt about that. 

Once in my room my awesome nurse Doreen got me settled and changed into a gown. She called in lab for when my IV was put in. My IV insertion didn't go the greatest though. Doreen couldn't find the correct spot in my vein. So, after two tries, the IV was inserted into my arm rather than my hand. Which I actually preferred. I hated having the IV in my hand. It was painful and every time I moved my hand, I would cringe. Arm, not at all. Much better!

Once placed, I was given my fluids and by the time it was 3 I was given my first dose of Cytotec. Justin showed up and brought the rest of the items in from my car. Hospital beds can be so much more comfortable with your own pillow and blanket. Once I was able to get up, Justin and I did some walking and playing with a puzzle. 

By the time it was 6, it was time for my next dose. Justin and I relaxed until my next dose at 9. 

My first 2 doses didn't dilate me but they did give me some contractions. Nothing that was painful. But my dose at 9, really started hitting me hard. Justin and I tried to sleep. We both didn't get any sleep. It was around 10:15 when the contractions because freaking painful. There was nothing I could do about it though. I couldn't get the epidural until later on, so my whole body would curl in a ball and shake through each contraction. I was miserable. I sent Justin home at some point because he was starving. I just made him promise to be back my 1 am because that is when I was suppose to start the Pitocin.

Justin came back and my nurse came in around 1 am (November 30th) I asked to get SOMETHING, anything, for some relief. She called Dr. Jayne and asked what would be best to give me. They decided on Stadol through the IV as well as in the butt. The IV was given first and the side effects starting taking effect. I became loopy, cotton mouthed, weak, giggly, the slightest touch made me jump, I was super paranoid. I felt like I was high. Both Shelly and Justin couldn't stop laughing. Even I was laughing at myself. 

Thankfully, the medicine actually helped and I couldn't feel any of my contractions. Justin and I were able to sleep but after 2 hours I awoke to even worse pain!  I called my nurse back in and begged for the epidural. She agreed and called Wendy, the anesthesiologist. The actual procedure wasn't as painful as I thought that it would be. Although, since I was extremely jumpy from the Stadol, I made a huge movement at the moment that I was NOT suppose to. Luckily, nothing was damaged and everything went extremely well. All I had to do was wait for it to kick it. One thing I did learn was that the epidural was actually two parts. So I was still able to walk around for at least the first 1 or 2. I decided not to and Justin and I hit the beds, once again. 

After the epidural I was given Pitocin that was suppose to be administered at 1 am but got delayed so I could relax and get some sleep with the Stadol. 

Then, 5:35 am I wake up starting to feel my contractions once again. They weren't too painful and I could breathe through them. Then all of a sudden, my water broke in bed! Weirdest feeling EVER!!! I really can't even describe WHAT it felt like. I yelled for my nurse, no answer. Woke Justin up and told him to get Shelly and she confirmed that my water had, in fact, broken!! 

The timing of the rest is pretty blurry since I was all drugged up. I remember getting checked at one point and being 4 cm and then all of the sudden I was 8 cm and her head was LOW! 

I remember being in an incredible amount of pain from the contractions. Not to mention there was so much pressure, I thought I was going to push her out right then and there, which scared the crap out of me because I never received the rest of the epidural. I wanted to puke, all my body would do was shake while I cried and begged for it to go away. 

When I was checked again I was ready to go, she was coming out any minute. Her head was right there. You could see a little amount of it showing. Dr. Jayne was quickly called in while they got the room ready for Laila's arrival.

I asked Katie if she could grab a mirror because everyone seemed so amazed that she was RIGHT there without them or me, needing to do anything. Sure enough, there was her head and I wasn't even pushing. Seeing it just gave me even more motivation but I quickly asked for the mirror to leave the room because I did not want to see my lady bits get completely slaughtered, for what I knew was coming. 

Time to push, Katie and I held one leg while Justin held the other. I gave it everything I had and pushed with all my might! Justin was amazing during this part. He was so encouraging and definitely helped me get through. I moaned and groaned because I could feel my doctor stretching me out so I wouldn't tear or need an episiotomy. But I kept going. And then she was out!!! 

After only 11 minutes of pushing, our daughter, Laila Rayne Martin was born on 11/30/10 at 8:33 am weighing 7 lbs 6 oz 19.5 inches long. 

I bawled my heart out and longed to have her on my chest, to hear her scream and wiggle around. I needed her. I wanted her. She is mine and Justin's. We're completely smitten :] 

38 weeks 4 days. ALMOST DONE!!

How far along? 38 weeks 4 days. ALMOST DONE!!

Weight gain/loss: I've gained around 30 pounds but I'm starting to lose some..(which secretly makes me happy)

Maternity clothes? You seriously think I could fit my fat ass into normal jeans. I think not.

Stretch marks? All over my belly and I even have some on my legs.

Sleep? I guess sleep isn't horrible. I wake up usually 2-3 times a night to use the bathroom. Rolling over/getting out of bed is very difficult for me at this point in my pregnancy. It'll make ya laugh when you hear my grunt as I try and get up. But I try to get a lot of sleep to let me body rest and get better from my cold.

Best moment this week? My weeks are pretty lonely and boring since I haven't been working so I have to say the best moment this week...so far...was so my appointment on Monday. Although, I am not dilated yet, Laila has dropped super low and I even lost my err "plug" if ya know what I'm takin' about. Oh ya, also Laila had her Biophysical Profile on Tuesday and she passed. Got the best score she could get, 8/8! It was freaking neat to see her "practice breathing"

Food cravings: Steak, with mashed potatoes, green beans with bacon & onions, some delicious rolls. I think Thanksgiving is getting to my head.

Gender: All girl, baby!

Belly button in or out? I guess I would say flat. It's just super creepy. It almost looks like it's not even there!

Movement? She graduated a long time ago to rolling. That girl is way to crammed to be punching mommy. She does get the occasional hiccups which I just love and has also taken it upon her to hurt me by head butting my cervix :[ That sometimes almost makes me cry.

What I miss? I miss not being a huge whale who can barely get up. I miss sleeping on my stomach and being comfortable. I miss my old body (even though I kind of hated it) I miss NOT being sick, seriously.

Labor Signs: I lost my "plug" and I have REAL contractions sometimes. :]

What I'm looking forward to: THANKSGIVING!!! FOOODDD!!! I have such an appetite but I always feel bad when I eat. Like, what did I just dooooo, get it out of meeee. Ugh. Yet, I still love food. December 4th is quickly approaching and I can't wait for baby Laila to make her sweet arrival.

Milestones:  Laila dropping. :] Good enough for me.

 Taken Today (11.24.10) 38 weeks 4 days.

Mhm. I look sccarreedddd.

What's Laila Up To?

Hey, your little one isn't so little anymore, weighing close to seven pounds and measuring 20 inches long. Fetal development is nearly complete as your baby tends to a few last-minute details like shedding the skin-protecting vernix and lanugo. She's also producing more surfactant, a substance that prevents the air sacs in her lungs from sticking to one another once she starts to breathe. Most of the changes this week are small but important: She’s continuing to add fat (so she can take advantage of all those photo ops by sporting a round, cute baby look!) and fine-tuning her brain and nervous system (so she can deal with all the stimulation that awaits her once she makes her entrance into the world).

 

Baby Shoes

I just can't help it.

I sure want Laila to have a pair of THESE AWESOME SHOES :]

Or THESE ADORABLE MOCS

Aren't these SO cute?!

I'll stop. I promise. For now. 

30 Days of Truth Day 8

I've been such a slacker with my 30 Days of Truth 

Day 8

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I will admit, that person would be ME. I made my life hell, I treated myself like complete shit.

I didn't see the point of life...of MY life. I tried giving up numerous times but here I am today. I never wanted to get out of bed to visit friends. I never wanted to eat. I didn't want to smile or laugh or have hope for the next day. I stopped doing things that I was completely in love with. I wanted to be alone all the time, to sleep and curl up in a little ball.

I took out my frustration and hurt on my body. I said goodbye to all my old loves in life and my new favorite items in life were  sweatshirts 2 sizes too big, alcohol, anything sharp and drugs. I did anything to try and make the pain go away. I felt like there was no hope. I didn't want to live and I felt everyone would be better of without me. I gave up on MY life.

But here I am today, completely in love with life and what God has given me. I look back and seriously wonder what the heckers was wrong with me?? WHY did I do that stuff?? 

I'm not proud of my past, I'm completely ashamed and embarrassed but I don't sit here and regret anything because I've grown up a lot and with growing up, comes learning a lot. And I have definitely learned a lot. I've found a new appreciation in life and look forward to everyday. I thank GOD for giving me a 2nd chance.

Day 1. Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Failed Induction

November 15, 2010
At this point in my pregnancy, I was no longer working and was on strict orders to take it easy due to pregnancy induced hypertension. On November 15, 2010, I had an appointment to see my doctor to discuss my most recent 24 urine test and NST.

My protein results came back completely normal, which my doctor and I were both very excited about. Laila looked perfect on the monitor and I was not dilated at all.  Laila was not ready to come out, at all. The bad news, my blood pressure had spiked to 143/98. Next thing I knew, my doctor was telling me that Laila needs to come out because of my blood pressure, she was worried I would develop preeclampsia, since earlier one, I was already showing signs.

I was…freaked to say the least. I wasn’t expecting to be induced this early on; my due date wasn’t until December 7, 2010.

I gave Justin a call and gave him the details of what was happening…and going to happen. Justin and I were completely unprepared for this to happen. I still had to finish laundry, that I had started that morning, sterilize my breast pump, nuks and bottles. We didn’t even have our car seat base in the car and our bags weren’t packed.

Once I fully comprehended what was going on, I headed home to sort some stuff out. I managed to take a relaxing shower, pack our bags, and clean. Justin put the base into the car and we finally headed to the hospital around 3pm, 3 ½ hours after my appointment.

I walked into the hospital, hand in hand with Justin, nervous and excited at the same time. It felt so great to know that by on November 16, 2010 my daughter would (should) be born. The check-in lady was so kind to us, trying to calm my nerves. We were taken up to our room and I was asked to change into the oh-so-beautiful gowns and was then hooked up to the monitors and an IV was placed into my hand. Justin called my mom and let her in on the news.

Around 4pm, my nurse Stacey, who was also pregnant, came in and inserted cervidil to help “ripen” my cervix. Once that was placed, I was to stay in bed for 2 hours. After 2 hours passed, I was able to walk around freely with the monitor still attached.

The rest of that night was pretty uneventful, Justin and I just spent time in our room and watched what was on TV and ate a delicious meal from Subway.  And then, my cold came back, the one that took about a month to finally disappear and it came back full force. I couldn’t breathe out of my nose and my throat was itchy, my whole entire body felt like it was on fire, just extremely hot. I was more than miserable and I didn’t want to feel like this while giving birth to Laila. I wasn’t allowed to have medicine until the next day, I just had to wait it out and see if I would get better on my own.

By 9 o’clock, Justin and I fell asleep. Sleeping was not comfortable, I was tossing and turning and had a hard time getting comfortable. I missed the comfort of my own bed. And every time Laila’s heartbeat disappeared off the monitor, a nurse came in to re adjust the monitor.

November 16, 2010

Around 3:50 am, my new nurse Shelly came in to take out the cervidil that was inserted the day before. The cervidil didn’t help at all and I was not dilated one bit. I showered and waiting for a new medicine to be inserted, cytotec, which happened around 5:30 am. This dose was to be inserted every 3 hours. I went back to bed and was woken up at 7:30 am.

Justin continued to sleep because I wanted to make sure he was well rested as well. We both knew it was going to be a long day. I watched TV and around 8:30 am, Justin woke up and my mom came to keep us company. By this time, 3 hours had passed and I was given another dose of cytotec.

The first round of cytotec didn’t seem to do anything to my body but the second round did cause some pain from the contractions but it wasn’t anything that wasn’t manageable. I enjoyed a nice breakfast, biscuit and pancakes. Eating was…difficult, since I had to be lying down or on my side. After the hour had passed, I was free to walk around; I was having contractions every 2-3 minutes.

My third dose was inserted at 11:30 am and I was ready to go back to bed at this point but I couldn’t sleep because of my miserable cold that still lingered. This round of cytotec was much more intense, as it’s supposed to be. My contractions were getting stronger and sitting up quickly became uncomfortable.

Time passed, time for the fourth dose, 2:30 pm. Justin’s mom showed up and spent some time with us, my mom was also there. We walked around, talked, and overall just tried to relax. I wasn’t able to relax though because this fourth dose was the most uncomfortable. My contractions hurt and I was just sore.

3 hours passed, slowly and it was time for yet another dose at 5:30 pm. But, this dose was not inserted, they held off because after everything I’d been through and after all the doses, I was only a fingertip dilated. I was pretty hurt because I had barely made any progress. I was starting to feel like a failure because my daughter was suppose to be born a couple hours before this and yet, she was still an inside baby.

My doctor, Dr. Jayne came in and gave me some options. They could give me the next dose and see how I progress, if I’m doing better, I can stay. If not, I would be sent home the next day (Wednesday) I told her to give me the next dose because I was determined to make this work but after she stepped out, I completely broke down.

I couldn’t control the tears. I was miserable from my cold and felt horrible for not progressing. I didn’t want to keep going and forcing my body to go into labor when clearly, it was just not ready too. I wanted to go home, to sleep in my own bed, and to get rid of this horrible cold. I wanted to give birth to Laila while I was not sick and when my body and she were ready.

I let Justin head home for a bit to let our dog out, we only live about 5-10 minutes ago. This gave me some time to talk to my mom about my decision to not get another dose and head home. I called my nurse in and told her what I wanted to do and she completely agreed. My doctor was on board with this idea as well. There was no point in fighting with Mother Nature when my body wasn’t ready and there was no point of doing a c-section since my blood pressure was consistently lower while I was there.

I called Justin and told him that we’d be heading home and to come back. I started packing up our bags while the nurse got my discharge paperwork together.

Walking out of the hospital was bitter-sweet for Justin and I. I thought we’d be leaving with her outside of my belly but it just wasn’t time and there was no point in fighting it. Laila will be born when she is ready.

November 17, 2010

We’re back home, I’m still sick and having painful contractions from all the doses of medicine that were given to me while at the hospital.

I’m still upset about the induction failing but my body couldn’t keep up.

30 Days of Truth: Day 7

Day 7

Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I'm such a slacker and still horribly sick, so I'm making this short and sweet. 

Justin has made my life worth living for. When I meet him, I was going through such a hard time in my life. Nothing was right, everything was just completely wrong and I was struggling day to day. He showed me hope and that things do get better. Everyday, he makes my life worth living for.

Plus, I lovveee kissing his face :]

I love this picture.
Taken winter 09'

Day 1. Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Whhyyy Meee?!?

Bed rest has helped!! Which is AMAZING :]

My blood pressure was slightly down, I somehow lost weight while being lazy, Laila did awesome during the non stress test,  I was having a few contractions, though. Nothing I could feel. Still not dilated, no surprise. I will not be returning to work for the remainder of my pregnancy, so I had to have my Dr. fill out my short term disability paperwork. We both just decided that's it's better for me to continue bed rest/taking it easy. That way IF my blood pressure does rise, she won't have to take me out of work AGAIN.

***

I had an ultrasound today and it was awesome to get to see Laila again. She is head down, with her feet RIGHT by her face, almost looked like she was trying to suck on her toesies. It was pretty funny to see. She is around 5 pounds 15 ounces and the most perfect, beautiful girl. I'm sooo confused though, according to the ultrasound technician, they have my due date as December 13th?!?! (they just went off my last ultrasound date) Which would only make me 34 weeks 4 days. But I was always told that my due date was December 4th (going off my lmp) making me 36 weeks tomorrow. After I left my appointment, I rushed to call my doctor to figure this out..she wasn't in anymore :[ I'll have to wait till Monday now to see what the dealio is with that. I seriously doubt that my due date is December 13th. So I'm sticking with the 4th!

***

As for me, I feel like crap. I'm on day something of being sick. I have a horrible cold. I can't breathe out of my nose because it's all stuffy...yet it's still all gross and runny. And not being able to breathe out of my nose is causing me to snore :[ poor Justin. I feel so bad. I can't even have the heat on at night while I sleep, so I have to sleep with the window cracked open a bit. I'm going to freeze him to death. My throat is super sore and now I'm starting to get a horrible cough, my whole entire body is aching in pain. I'm getting on and off fevers. Oy, whyyyy meee?

***

Tomorrow, Justin and I are attending a wedding. My coworkers beautiful daughter is getting married! Marriage makes me happy. We decided that we are not attending the ceremony and to just attend the reception. Going to both is too much for me with being sick. It'll be nice to see all my coworkers, though. I'm pretty excited. 

I'm exhausted. All I want to do is sleep. 

Zzzzzz

30 Days of Truth: Day 6

Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do. 

I hope I never have to say Good-Bye to the love, Justin. That would seriously break my heart. I'm completely in love with this man and couldn't imagine not going to bed without him, not seeing his smile or hearing his voice, laughing at his silly jokes. This man has my heart.

Day 1. Something you hate about yourself.
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself: tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.